The Times: They Are A-Changin'

Welcome to a one-off blog as it's easier to use this format rather than cram everything into a Facebook post, which also explains why some of my previous FB posts have been deleted, as I didn't want to duplicate any of my comments. I did say that I'd not be writing for a while, which is still my intention...but this blog is just a brief overview of what's been happening with regards to my decision making.

"Come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen,
 And keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again,
 And don't speak too soon, for the wheels still in spin,
 And there's no tellin' who that it's namin',
 For the loser now will be later to win,
 For the times they are a-changin'..."

~ Bob Dylan

The title and Dylan lyrics are very relevant to my current status, as indeed the times they are a-changin'.
Personally and financially it's proved to be quite a challenging year so far, and this has caused me to take stock of a few issues in my life and make some neccesary changes.

On a personal level I've finally come to terms with my ex-girlfriends untimely passing, and I have been striving to look forward to a brighter future, whilst also trying to live in the 'now' and have some fun.
I had hoped that after getting over Louise's death that I would have been able to move on, and I'm sure once I meet that special, new lady then this healing process will be complete. But I am settled both at home and at work, so I have a lot to be grateful for, especially after what I've been through and where I've come from. I did think that I had met that very precious someone, but alas her feelings weren't reciprocated.
So although all that's missing with my life is the love of a good woman, I am not going to dwell on it too much. I know that I've been guilty of looking for love too much rather than letting it find me. I also know that I care too much sometimes, and that I try too hard to please too. The aim is to remain my old hopeless romantical self, whilst not being so open and exposed as in the recent past by wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time...when love is meant to be, it will find me in its' own good time?

So that is part of my changing ways.
The other aspect which needs serious attention are my finances!
Last August I moved into my own apartment which was totally amazing, as I had been sharing a home for the previous four years. I love the space that this affords me, but financially it has proved quite tight to live.
But what price can you put on independence, and the comfort of your own space?
My issue is that I only have a small monthly disposable budget, and my problem is that I blow it all over the first weekend after payday! I'm not complaining as I have a good time, but I really need to start spreading this budget over the whole month...which is what I will be doing come June 20th.
This financial struggle should only last for a few more years, as I will then be completely debt free and can even start planning for an early retirement!

Just after next payday I have a week off to look forward to, where I can recharge my batteries and pick myself up a little, as I've been feeling a little bit downhearted and disillusioned of late, although I'm sure it's just a temporary condition due to tiredness and fatigue. I'm also continually battling with my demons such as wrestling my desire to achieve a simplistic way of life, whilst competing with a complex state of mind...this is all part of the changing times that I am referring to, and that I intend to put into place in my life. As the additional picture below highlights, the signpost is all about finding a healthy work/life balance.
During this week I hope to meet up with my dear friend, Elona for lunch one day in Theale (Berkshire), as she remains a constant in my life, and she is someone who I will be forever indebted to as she helped me out when I was at my lowest ebb a few years ago.
My other main plan for the week is to combine some rest and relaxation alongside some training for my next adventure...as my good mate Chappers and myself intend to undertake an epic charity event in May 2014: walking 250 miles from Lands End along The South West Coastal Path!

Later in the year there will be a new series of blogs, to support this campaign so please watch this space...

Until then, may I wish you all well & a very happy summer.

Steve M

Time To Say Goodbye # 2

"Live in the moment or you'll never be free..."

Take 2 of 'Time To Say Goodbye' refers to the 'Tall Tales & Short Stories' series of blogs.
Seeing as the theme of the blogs is to recall past events, yet saying farewell relates to putting the past behind me, it makes perfect sense to cease writing on such matters, and to concentrate on living in the present, and looking forward to the future.

Therefore, my blogs have now come to a natural end, although maybe a change of direction or a new subject may entice me to return to the writing in the future...time will tell?
The whole essence of these blogs was also to work out a few personal demons, and exorcise a few ghosts...an aim which I feel has now been achieved.

When I first started writing my blogs I was regaling my past experiences of moving locations in my search to find a spiritual home. Now after a lengthy process I feel that I am 'home' as I feel very settled both in my home life and in my work life. The balance between a healthy and happy lifestyle, and a life at work remains an ongoing battle, as does the ensuing trauma in striving to find a simplistic way of life, whilst dealing with a complex state of mind...but as previously stated, I'm getting there!
I feel that my life has gone full circle, as I left my home county in 1997 just before my 30th birthday, and after 15 years I'm finally back and settled with one eye on a happy future, both domestically and professionally.
I remain a single lad, but this solitude doesn't neccesarily make me a lonely man; I enjoy my own company and I can wait until the time is right to share my life with that special lady when she finally comes along.

So the time comes to say goodbye once again, but may I take the opportunity to thank you all for reading my blogs, and I hope somewhere along the way I've brought some enjoyment to some of you?
I must pay special recognition to my dear friend Elona (pictured below) ~ she has proved a continual inspiration to me by her unconditional support and friendship, and it was she who encouraged me to return to writing in the first place. I hope she won't be too disappointed in my decision to quit writing, although like I say I may yet return to address other topics in the future.

May I bid you all a fond farewell, and here's wishing you all a lovely hot summer...if such a thing ever exists?

Be safe, stay happy, keep smilin'& take care.

"choose life, choose living..."

Steve M

Time To Say Goodbye

"Things come wrapped up in time, like the past in a present, or the perfect line in a song,
 They take their time, and when they're gone, they take their time with them..."

Somebody recently asked me how do I remain so upbeat and optimistic in a life apparently so far filled with setbacks and disappointments?
My simple answer was that I try to draw strength from these experiences with an unbreakable spirit, safe in the knowledge that I firmly believe that my hope isn't misplaced, as good times are just around the corner.
This is in essence the story of who I am, and the story of what makes me this way.
The story which tells the tale that through every negative I do my best to find a positive outcome, as I also truly believe that you have to experience the bad things in life, to fully appreciate the good times when they come along.

~

 "It's always a struggle to let somebody go, it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know..."

Tomorrow marks the birthday of my last true love...may my sweet Louise always rest in peace ♥
I have to finally accept that she's gone, as I have been in denial for far too long with regards to her passing away at such a tender age. I know that it's time to let go, time to say goodbye, and time to move on.
She will always live on in my heart, and the thought of her makes me want to become a better man... a man that she would've wanted me to be.

~

Due to her brave fight with cancer, Lou was the inspiration behind the charity event I organised for Cancer Research UK, which amazingly celebrates its' anniversary at the end of the month.
(please see photo bottom right, featuring the lads & myself beside Eastbourne Pier after we'd just completed the 100 miles trek along The South Downs Way).
So with this anniversary in mind, as well as Lou's birthday, it seems an appropriate time to say goodbye.

~

Part of the process of writing these blogs was to personally help me deal with the conflict between my desire to find a simplistic way of life, whilst struggling with a complex state of mind...and I'm getting there!
In the meantime, I'm going to be keeping myself-to-myself initially, although I do fully intend to move on.
The unconditional support, love and friendship that I receive from those closest to me is most gratefully appreciated, and I thank them all from the bottom of my heart ♥
I wish you all well, and I look forward to the next chapter in my life...whatever that may be?

"...And you can have it all, my empire of dirt,
 I will let you down, I will make you hurt.
 If I could start again, a million miles away,
 I would keep myself, I would find a way".

Steve M

A Sad Reminder

"Table for one for a word drunk poet,
 Losing my mind in a dancing flame..." 

My usual happy-go-lucky, chirpy-chappy mentality has currently deserted me, but I'm sure it's only a temporary condition and a temporary state of mind. I've been feeling a trifle isolated and lonely, with just my thoughts and memories to keep me company, as I've been reflecting somewhat on lost loves and past lives, and I guess I've been going through a little bit of a crisis of confidence. In typical style, I do my best to hide my feelings as I don't like to display a miserable facade, or wallow in self-pity, but I have found myself in a very sad place of late. This is partly brought on by the fact that it is shortly the birthday of my late ex-girlfriend, so understandably my thoughts transport me back to my sweet Louise, who was tragically taken from this world last year, although in truth she is never far from my thoughts...may she always rest in peace ♥

I recently made the discovery of a chain of old Facebook messages between us, dating back to when I first returned to Sussex in August 2009. I had no idea that these still existed, as her account is now obviously inactive. I was so suprised to see any trace of these messages, that I must confess to shedding a tear or two whilst re-reading them. I probably should delete them, but apart from my memories these are all I have of her...so I found that I couldn't banish them forever.

Without breaking my code of 'gentlemen don't kiss-and-tell', I don't think there's any harm in recalling one sweet story...a memory which will live with me always.
Various events and people had conspired to keep us apart, but eventually we did find a way to be together, albeit in secret, although unfortunately our shared moments together were very few-and-far-between.
The story I'd like to share involves the first night we finally hooked up, after months and months of setbacks.
One bitterly cold winters night I took the train up to Berkshire and I arrived in the freezing cold darkness some when around 8pm, where I was greeted at her door by my sweetheart wearing her PJ's and dressing gown. After letting me in she proceeded to give me the biggest and longest hug that I have ever experienced in my life. For such a small lady she possessed an unbelievable tight squeeze!
When she finally broke free and allowed me to breathe once more, I looked at her to see tears streaming down her pretty face, and then she said that she couldn't remember the last time that she was so happy...naturally my heart just melted.
We spent the night holding each other close and the following day discussing future plans and options...alas, none of these came to fruition, but the memory will always live with me even if she no longer can.
Looking back, and I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, there were early signs of her illness even then, but it's just that at the time we both just wanted to capture every possible moment we could actually share with one another, and that maybe we ignored the obvious signs that were there all along.

"It's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 It's a natural desire to own your lover, I know..."

My feelings are not just restricted to my sweet Lou either. As I stated in my opening paragraph, I have been thinking about lost loves, and there is another lovely lady who is also always with me in my heart.
I know I should let her go too...but it's so easier said than done, especially when you're an old hopeless romantic like me! I think it's just the way I am.
This lady has moved on with her life, and I am genuinely happy for her, and I know it's time for me to do the same and move on, but...
At least where this gorgeous girl is concerned, I have the comfort of knowing that we have remained good friends ~ I'd much rather have her in my life as a dear friend, than not have her in my life at all.
My one regret I have is that I wished I fought for her harder when she left me, but I was scared of losing her totally from my life and that would have broken my heart even more. We have since met in person, and I have told her all of this as we shared a great night remembering the good times we shared, and laughing about some the mad times we endured! I think that I have accepted this situation, but a part of my heart will always belong to her ♥

Finally, I know that there are some of you who believe that I'm still too open for my own good and that I wear my heart on my sleeve, which in turn allows me to get continually hurt, but can I assure you that I'm fine ~ this is only a temporary situation and I'm sure my usual persona will soon return. I recently thought that a new lady had entered my life to make me happy, but once again that was just another false dawn...yet I remain optimistic that my time will come again, one day?
I find that writing about these issues helps me to cope with these feelings.
Putting my thoughts down in this format is a bit like therapy for me...I am the patient and my readers are my shrink! Thanks for helping ♥

"What have I become my sweetest friend,
 Everyone I know goes away in the end..."

Steve M

The Luck Of The Irish

With St.Patrick's Day arriving imminently this Sunday March 17th, it seems appropriate to regale some 'celtic' stories from my past, as well as sharing some tales of my great Irish pals.
I been lucky enough to enjoy the 'craic' on numerous occassions, in many a bar, in many an Irish city, be it Dublin, Galway, Limerick, or Cork amongst others, as well as Belfast in the north. I've also been fortunate in being able to transfer the celtic spirit back home, as I've shared countless sessions of the 'black stuff' with great friends in this country...although with two exceptions (more to follow later) the Guinness always tastes better on the other side of The Irish Sea.

Although I haven't actually ever celebrated 'Paddy's Day' in Ireland, I always try to pay homage to this special day in the UK every year...in fact I've once even celebrated the day in New Zealand a few years back. I was in my other 'spiritual home', namely Queenstown on the south island, and I found myself alone in an Irish bar where I could partake in a pint or three...but like all true Irish bars you never drink alone for very long, as I was soon holding court in the company of previous strangers who had now become great friends! I think there's definitely two common similarities with the Irish and the Kiwi's: they both know how to have a good time, and neither takes themselves too seriously...and it's a bond that I can relate to!

I haven't visited Ireland since last Easter (2012) when I caught up with my great friends Ruth & Glenn Courtney, and Rose Horan. Hopefully I'll be back again soon, as a few of my mates are interested in planning a jolly weekend away in Dublin...it'll be lovely to spend some time with my UK mates alongside my friends from Ireland; namely the Courtneys, the Horans, and maybe the Quigleys and Fitzgibbons? My last trip ended with my whiling away the hours at Dublin Airport, which was where the photo featured with this blog was taken. But the best pint I enjoyed whilst I was over here last time was in Kilkenny, and that was in an old converted High Street Bank complete with big old vault still clearly visible...only in Ireland!

My favourite cities for drinking in Ireland are probably Cork and Galway. I've enjoyed many a good night out in these cities, and recently watching the TV series 'Jack Taylor', starring Iain Glen which is based in Galway brings back many happy memories...Galway: a very windswept and interesting place, full of very equally windswept and interesting people!

"The grey winds, the cold winds are blowing where I go.
 I hear the noise of many waters far below.
 All day, all night, I hear them flowing to and fro..."

~ James Joyce (famous Irish writer & poet)

Many of my Irish pals believe that I must have some Irish blood in me somewhere, as they reckon I'm too laid back to be an Englishman, but on recent investigation it transpires that if I do have any celtic blood lines, then it is linked with the Scots and not the Irish...I may persue this family tree at some stage, as it is quite intriguing.

As I sense a strong tie to my Irish brothers & sisters, I even had my first tattoo inked in Dublin, an appropriate celtic cross. Just as I was about to have the deed done and sensing my obvious nervousness, the young tattooist looked at me and asked, "Is this your first time?", to which I tentatively replied in the affirmative. Yer Man then winked at me and said, "Yeah, me too...but don't worry, I'm sure it'll turn out grand".

In reference to my earlier comment about two UK exceptions to a decent pint of Guinness, the first of these is without doubt my old local pub in Batheaston, 'The George & Dragon'.
My great friend Jimi Nutbrown kept his beer in fine fettle and his pipes clean, and his good lady Denise Beaven served a grand pint, ably supported by the lovely Tracey Shoemark behind the bar! My Irish friends based in the UK used to regularly visit me, and they all concur with my opinion, and we were always well looked after...I miss my times there greatly, although it would never be the same as the three aforementioned lovely people are no longer in tenure at that pub.

These past two years being settled back home, I've celebrated St.Patrick's Day in Chichester. The year before last I came into a bit of money courtesy of my dispute with my old bank, so I took my then flat mates, Josie O'Brennan and Glen Staunton out on the proceeds...and a very good time was had by all.
Then last year I was actually 'on the wagon' as I was preparing for the charity walk which I was organising for the following month. But my good friends, Curph and Chappers easily enticed me with a few pints of Guinness as it was 'Paddy's Day' after all. We ended up in The Fountain (the second of the two UK pubs who serve a grand pint of the black stuff), and were looked after by the lovely Gemma Whitehouse, complete with green food colouring in the Guinness no less!

Unfortunately this year I will not be partaking in the black stuff, as there is a strong need for a clear head on Monday morning due to a heavy workload in the office, as well as the fact that I'm in a sad place at the moment where I know drinking nullifies the pain, but deepens the depression...I may well share the reasons why with another blog next week.
But until then I wish you all a grand St.Patrick's Day and please know that I will be with you in spirits lads!

Slainte Mhath ~ Good Health.

Steve M

A (Pool) Sharks Tale!

Back to the tall tales and short stories...

I recently watched an old movie which always fires me up, as well providing great lessons in character, integrity, and reminders in the ways of hustling, and living with the sharks when in comes to matters of the pool halls. 'The Hustler' was made in 1961, based on a novel written two years previously, and featured the legendary Paul Newman (pictured) as 'Fast Eddie Felson', the challenger to Jackie Gleason's 'Minnesota Fats' as the best pool player around. Shot in stylish black and white, it remains the best pool movie ever made. It encapsulated the stereo-typical image of smoke filled pool halls, along with the sort of characters associated in these establishments. It was so authentic you could almost catch a whiff of the stale smell of bourbon and cigarettes.

I didn't particularly enjoy a mis-spent youth, but I did take advantage of any spare opportunities available to me. Whereas my contemporaries were playing the slot machines in the arcades, I was either upstairs or at the back of the amusement arcade honing my pool skills. I knew I had a talent at shooting pool, but it wasn't until I hit my thirties that I really started to realise my potential.

When I moved to Bournemouth at the turn of the century I joined a pool club, and a good mate of mine at the time, Marty Farrelly, used to visit me quite regularly and we'd play marathon matches lasting for hours and hours. It's fair to say that Marty had a bit more flair than me, but then again I had a bit more 'nous' than him, so invariably the matches were pretty even and we both improved greatly by way of appreciating and understanding each others playing styles. Marty got so good and had a bit more spare time than me, so he persued his skill to the extent of entering tournaments, and he got so good so quick, that before you knew it he was ranked officially inside the top 50 pool players in the country. Knowing that I could compete with him, gave me the confidence to continue my own playing, but rather than competing in tournaments, I tended to 'hustle' around the pubs and clubs. This was an education in itself...

When you 'hustle' around a town, you soon get noticed and reputations are soon earned. You also come to terms with the problems associated with playing for money or gambling. I've never been one to have a flutter on the horses, or nip down the bookies to place bets on football results, but when it comes to backing your own ability I do feel a little differently. But unfortunately, playing for money only leads to trouble, distrust, and dealing with dodgy people!
The simple rule that I've learned is: don't play for money, as it always ends in tears!
The secret of being a good hustler is to appear as a competent player, but not as a good player. That way you can entice a challenge, and when you then raise your game to win, not too many questions get asked. If however, you go from 'chump' to 'champ' in an instant, then you're inviting trouble.
The worst thing about playing for money is that when you win, you very rarely get the cash. The usual response from your opponent is that he'll play you again, double-or-quits. This is all well and good, but when you win again the same response is received. This continues until eventually your opponent wins one game, but when you throw the gauntlet down of double-or-quits yourself, he gives you the finger and demands his winnings!
Top tip: If you ever do play for money, get a third party to hold yours and your opponents stake, and then the winner can collect the funds from them before deciding whether to continue with another game.

There was one story I can recall of when I kept winning and my opponent had no more money to bet with, so he bet me his girlfriend for the next game...again I won, and yes I won her affections for the night. Being a gentleman I declined of course!
Another tale involved playing against a 'pikey', and after every game that I won an additional 'pikey' arrived to try and intimidate me. By the end of the evening I knew I was going to be in a lot of trouble. Fortunately, I managed to bet the stakes at a consistent rate, rather than double-or-quits, and I carefully lost a few games so that the 'pikey' won some of his money back...but never again!
I recently had a few games of pool with my mate Chappers, when we were suddenly confronted by a guy demanding to play one of us for money. Chappers gracefully withdrew, but I was insistent that I wouldn't play for money, and I guess the guy was appreciative of this in the end as I whipped his ass! Lol.

The only period of my life when I did play competitively, but within the confines of a team in an official league was when I lived in Bath. I drank at the George & Dragon in the village of Batheaston just outside the main city, and we had a pretty good team.
In our first season we gained promotion from Division Two to the top league, as well as reaching a Cup Final. A team is made up of six players ~ each plays one individual game against an opponent, and then you pair up to play three double games. Over the course of the two seasons I played I only lost a few times and I knew that I had become a good match player. But I wasn't enjoying the seriousness of the top league. I'd rather play for fun, and seeing as our team was slowly disbanding anyway, I quit at the end of our second season. There was also the added distraction of a lovely girl who worked in the George & Dragon.
When we playing home games I'd rather be chatting to her at the bar than supporting my team-mates around the pool table. And at the away games I spent all my time on my mobile phone texting her, with the exception of when I was actually playing. In fact I remember one game, when I had to be encouraged to put down my phone as it was my time to play. I reluctantly put my phone in my back pocket; shook my opponents hand; tossed the coin which my opponent won; he broke off, but nothing went down....and then I proceded to clear the table in about two minutes. Once my opening shot went down I could just see the rest of my balls lining up one after another, and providing I got my positioning right, I knew I could clear up in one visit. And that's just what I did. As soon as the black went down, I shook my opponents hand again...and got straight back onto the phone to continue messaging my lady!

Ah...seven-balling opponents!
It may not quite be a 147 as in snooker, but it's the near equivilant!
It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's a great feeling to achieve it.
There's only your seven balls plus the black, but to clear the table before your opponent can get to pot even one ball is the holy grail for a pool shark!
A bit like a top snooker player instinctively appreciating an opportunity for a maximum clearance, just by the lay of the balls, a good pool player can see a similar chance to clean up immediately. One such case occurred when I has enjoying a friendly game with my mate Curph down his local 'The Portsbridge' in Cosham.
As soon as Curph broke off and nothing fell down, I approached the table and could just see the next eight shots all laid out for me...I just knew. I then looked at Curph and almost by way of an apology I asked his permission to clear the table. He appreciated the gesture and hopefully understood it was just one of those situations which I couldn't resist! I cleaned up accordingly, put my cue back in the stand, and brought Curph a pint...a case of quit while you're ahead and don't upset any locals! Lol.

After the pool league back in my Bath days, I sort of 'retired' myself from playing competitively. I 'hocked' my cue and walked away from it all.
But I must admit that I have rekindled thoughts of participating seriously once again. I genuinely think that with a bit of practice I could be quiet a handy player, although if I was to persue it I think I'd rather do it as an individual compared to being part of a team.
I'm not saying that I am the best...I'm just saying that I know that I can compete against the best.
So maybe I will purchase a cue again, get down a local club or pub, start practicing seriously, and see where it tales me...

Steve M

A Valentine's Day Message

"Tears are words waiting to be written..." ~ Paulo Coelho

With it being Valentine's Day later this week, rather than recall a related tall tale or a short story, I thought I'd rather just write a few words on the subject.

To all you loved-up happy couples out there I wish you every happiness, without a hint of jealousy.
All I will say is make sure you appreciate how lucky you are, and make sure that you spoil one another every chance you get.

To all you like-minded 'singletons' I say don't despair, our time will come one day.
One thing that I learned in life is that it is better to be happy and single, than be together and miserable.

Although I've tried to move on in my persuit of sharing future happiness with someone special in my life, it is inevitable at this time that my thoughts are with my ex-girlfriend, who tragically passed away last year after losing her brave fight with cancer...she may be gone but she's never forgotten as she's lives on in my heart ~ R.I.P. my sweet Louise ♥

"Soul to soul ~ Head to head ~ Heart to heart ~ Eye to eye
 Rise up to that blue space above the clouds
 Where troubles die and tears dry..." ~ 'The Sky Above The Rain'.

Wishing everyone a Happy Valentine's Day whatever your status, age or gender.
Much love & peace to you all.

Steve M