A Sad Reminder

"Table for one for a word drunk poet,
 Losing my mind in a dancing flame..." 

My usual happy-go-lucky, chirpy-chappy mentality has currently deserted me, but I'm sure it's only a temporary condition and a temporary state of mind. I've been feeling a trifle isolated and lonely, with just my thoughts and memories to keep me company, as I've been reflecting somewhat on lost loves and past lives, and I guess I've been going through a little bit of a crisis of confidence. In typical style, I do my best to hide my feelings as I don't like to display a miserable facade, or wallow in self-pity, but I have found myself in a very sad place of late. This is partly brought on by the fact that it is shortly the birthday of my late ex-girlfriend, so understandably my thoughts transport me back to my sweet Louise, who was tragically taken from this world last year, although in truth she is never far from my thoughts...may she always rest in peace ♥

I recently made the discovery of a chain of old Facebook messages between us, dating back to when I first returned to Sussex in August 2009. I had no idea that these still existed, as her account is now obviously inactive. I was so suprised to see any trace of these messages, that I must confess to shedding a tear or two whilst re-reading them. I probably should delete them, but apart from my memories these are all I have of her...so I found that I couldn't banish them forever.

Without breaking my code of 'gentlemen don't kiss-and-tell', I don't think there's any harm in recalling one sweet story...a memory which will live with me always.
Various events and people had conspired to keep us apart, but eventually we did find a way to be together, albeit in secret, although unfortunately our shared moments together were very few-and-far-between.
The story I'd like to share involves the first night we finally hooked up, after months and months of setbacks.
One bitterly cold winters night I took the train up to Berkshire and I arrived in the freezing cold darkness some when around 8pm, where I was greeted at her door by my sweetheart wearing her PJ's and dressing gown. After letting me in she proceeded to give me the biggest and longest hug that I have ever experienced in my life. For such a small lady she possessed an unbelievable tight squeeze!
When she finally broke free and allowed me to breathe once more, I looked at her to see tears streaming down her pretty face, and then she said that she couldn't remember the last time that she was so happy...naturally my heart just melted.
We spent the night holding each other close and the following day discussing future plans and options...alas, none of these came to fruition, but the memory will always live with me even if she no longer can.
Looking back, and I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, there were early signs of her illness even then, but it's just that at the time we both just wanted to capture every possible moment we could actually share with one another, and that maybe we ignored the obvious signs that were there all along.

"It's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 It's a natural desire to own your lover, I know..."

My feelings are not just restricted to my sweet Lou either. As I stated in my opening paragraph, I have been thinking about lost loves, and there is another lovely lady who is also always with me in my heart.
I know I should let her go too...but it's so easier said than done, especially when you're an old hopeless romantic like me! I think it's just the way I am.
This lady has moved on with her life, and I am genuinely happy for her, and I know it's time for me to do the same and move on, but...
At least where this gorgeous girl is concerned, I have the comfort of knowing that we have remained good friends ~ I'd much rather have her in my life as a dear friend, than not have her in my life at all.
My one regret I have is that I wished I fought for her harder when she left me, but I was scared of losing her totally from my life and that would have broken my heart even more. We have since met in person, and I have told her all of this as we shared a great night remembering the good times we shared, and laughing about some the mad times we endured! I think that I have accepted this situation, but a part of my heart will always belong to her ♥

Finally, I know that there are some of you who believe that I'm still too open for my own good and that I wear my heart on my sleeve, which in turn allows me to get continually hurt, but can I assure you that I'm fine ~ this is only a temporary situation and I'm sure my usual persona will soon return. I recently thought that a new lady had entered my life to make me happy, but once again that was just another false dawn...yet I remain optimistic that my time will come again, one day?
I find that writing about these issues helps me to cope with these feelings.
Putting my thoughts down in this format is a bit like therapy for me...I am the patient and my readers are my shrink! Thanks for helping ♥

"What have I become my sweetest friend,
 Everyone I know goes away in the end..."

Steve M