A Sad Reminder

"Table for one for a word drunk poet,
 Losing my mind in a dancing flame..." 

My usual happy-go-lucky, chirpy-chappy mentality has currently deserted me, but I'm sure it's only a temporary condition and a temporary state of mind. I've been feeling a trifle isolated and lonely, with just my thoughts and memories to keep me company, as I've been reflecting somewhat on lost loves and past lives, and I guess I've been going through a little bit of a crisis of confidence. In typical style, I do my best to hide my feelings as I don't like to display a miserable facade, or wallow in self-pity, but I have found myself in a very sad place of late. This is partly brought on by the fact that it is shortly the birthday of my late ex-girlfriend, so understandably my thoughts transport me back to my sweet Louise, who was tragically taken from this world last year, although in truth she is never far from my thoughts...may she always rest in peace ♥

I recently made the discovery of a chain of old Facebook messages between us, dating back to when I first returned to Sussex in August 2009. I had no idea that these still existed, as her account is now obviously inactive. I was so suprised to see any trace of these messages, that I must confess to shedding a tear or two whilst re-reading them. I probably should delete them, but apart from my memories these are all I have of her...so I found that I couldn't banish them forever.

Without breaking my code of 'gentlemen don't kiss-and-tell', I don't think there's any harm in recalling one sweet story...a memory which will live with me always.
Various events and people had conspired to keep us apart, but eventually we did find a way to be together, albeit in secret, although unfortunately our shared moments together were very few-and-far-between.
The story I'd like to share involves the first night we finally hooked up, after months and months of setbacks.
One bitterly cold winters night I took the train up to Berkshire and I arrived in the freezing cold darkness some when around 8pm, where I was greeted at her door by my sweetheart wearing her PJ's and dressing gown. After letting me in she proceeded to give me the biggest and longest hug that I have ever experienced in my life. For such a small lady she possessed an unbelievable tight squeeze!
When she finally broke free and allowed me to breathe once more, I looked at her to see tears streaming down her pretty face, and then she said that she couldn't remember the last time that she was so happy...naturally my heart just melted.
We spent the night holding each other close and the following day discussing future plans and options...alas, none of these came to fruition, but the memory will always live with me even if she no longer can.
Looking back, and I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, there were early signs of her illness even then, but it's just that at the time we both just wanted to capture every possible moment we could actually share with one another, and that maybe we ignored the obvious signs that were there all along.

"It's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 It's a natural desire to own your lover, I know..."

My feelings are not just restricted to my sweet Lou either. As I stated in my opening paragraph, I have been thinking about lost loves, and there is another lovely lady who is also always with me in my heart.
I know I should let her go too...but it's so easier said than done, especially when you're an old hopeless romantic like me! I think it's just the way I am.
This lady has moved on with her life, and I am genuinely happy for her, and I know it's time for me to do the same and move on, but...
At least where this gorgeous girl is concerned, I have the comfort of knowing that we have remained good friends ~ I'd much rather have her in my life as a dear friend, than not have her in my life at all.
My one regret I have is that I wished I fought for her harder when she left me, but I was scared of losing her totally from my life and that would have broken my heart even more. We have since met in person, and I have told her all of this as we shared a great night remembering the good times we shared, and laughing about some the mad times we endured! I think that I have accepted this situation, but a part of my heart will always belong to her ♥

Finally, I know that there are some of you who believe that I'm still too open for my own good and that I wear my heart on my sleeve, which in turn allows me to get continually hurt, but can I assure you that I'm fine ~ this is only a temporary situation and I'm sure my usual persona will soon return. I recently thought that a new lady had entered my life to make me happy, but once again that was just another false dawn...yet I remain optimistic that my time will come again, one day?
I find that writing about these issues helps me to cope with these feelings.
Putting my thoughts down in this format is a bit like therapy for me...I am the patient and my readers are my shrink! Thanks for helping ♥

"What have I become my sweetest friend,
 Everyone I know goes away in the end..."

Steve M

The Luck Of The Irish

With St.Patrick's Day arriving imminently this Sunday March 17th, it seems appropriate to regale some 'celtic' stories from my past, as well as sharing some tales of my great Irish pals.
I been lucky enough to enjoy the 'craic' on numerous occassions, in many a bar, in many an Irish city, be it Dublin, Galway, Limerick, or Cork amongst others, as well as Belfast in the north. I've also been fortunate in being able to transfer the celtic spirit back home, as I've shared countless sessions of the 'black stuff' with great friends in this country...although with two exceptions (more to follow later) the Guinness always tastes better on the other side of The Irish Sea.

Although I haven't actually ever celebrated 'Paddy's Day' in Ireland, I always try to pay homage to this special day in the UK every year...in fact I've once even celebrated the day in New Zealand a few years back. I was in my other 'spiritual home', namely Queenstown on the south island, and I found myself alone in an Irish bar where I could partake in a pint or three...but like all true Irish bars you never drink alone for very long, as I was soon holding court in the company of previous strangers who had now become great friends! I think there's definitely two common similarities with the Irish and the Kiwi's: they both know how to have a good time, and neither takes themselves too seriously...and it's a bond that I can relate to!

I haven't visited Ireland since last Easter (2012) when I caught up with my great friends Ruth & Glenn Courtney, and Rose Horan. Hopefully I'll be back again soon, as a few of my mates are interested in planning a jolly weekend away in Dublin...it'll be lovely to spend some time with my UK mates alongside my friends from Ireland; namely the Courtneys, the Horans, and maybe the Quigleys and Fitzgibbons? My last trip ended with my whiling away the hours at Dublin Airport, which was where the photo featured with this blog was taken. But the best pint I enjoyed whilst I was over here last time was in Kilkenny, and that was in an old converted High Street Bank complete with big old vault still clearly visible...only in Ireland!

My favourite cities for drinking in Ireland are probably Cork and Galway. I've enjoyed many a good night out in these cities, and recently watching the TV series 'Jack Taylor', starring Iain Glen which is based in Galway brings back many happy memories...Galway: a very windswept and interesting place, full of very equally windswept and interesting people!

"The grey winds, the cold winds are blowing where I go.
 I hear the noise of many waters far below.
 All day, all night, I hear them flowing to and fro..."

~ James Joyce (famous Irish writer & poet)

Many of my Irish pals believe that I must have some Irish blood in me somewhere, as they reckon I'm too laid back to be an Englishman, but on recent investigation it transpires that if I do have any celtic blood lines, then it is linked with the Scots and not the Irish...I may persue this family tree at some stage, as it is quite intriguing.

As I sense a strong tie to my Irish brothers & sisters, I even had my first tattoo inked in Dublin, an appropriate celtic cross. Just as I was about to have the deed done and sensing my obvious nervousness, the young tattooist looked at me and asked, "Is this your first time?", to which I tentatively replied in the affirmative. Yer Man then winked at me and said, "Yeah, me too...but don't worry, I'm sure it'll turn out grand".

In reference to my earlier comment about two UK exceptions to a decent pint of Guinness, the first of these is without doubt my old local pub in Batheaston, 'The George & Dragon'.
My great friend Jimi Nutbrown kept his beer in fine fettle and his pipes clean, and his good lady Denise Beaven served a grand pint, ably supported by the lovely Tracey Shoemark behind the bar! My Irish friends based in the UK used to regularly visit me, and they all concur with my opinion, and we were always well looked after...I miss my times there greatly, although it would never be the same as the three aforementioned lovely people are no longer in tenure at that pub.

These past two years being settled back home, I've celebrated St.Patrick's Day in Chichester. The year before last I came into a bit of money courtesy of my dispute with my old bank, so I took my then flat mates, Josie O'Brennan and Glen Staunton out on the proceeds...and a very good time was had by all.
Then last year I was actually 'on the wagon' as I was preparing for the charity walk which I was organising for the following month. But my good friends, Curph and Chappers easily enticed me with a few pints of Guinness as it was 'Paddy's Day' after all. We ended up in The Fountain (the second of the two UK pubs who serve a grand pint of the black stuff), and were looked after by the lovely Gemma Whitehouse, complete with green food colouring in the Guinness no less!

Unfortunately this year I will not be partaking in the black stuff, as there is a strong need for a clear head on Monday morning due to a heavy workload in the office, as well as the fact that I'm in a sad place at the moment where I know drinking nullifies the pain, but deepens the depression...I may well share the reasons why with another blog next week.
But until then I wish you all a grand St.Patrick's Day and please know that I will be with you in spirits lads!

Slainte Mhath ~ Good Health.

Steve M