A Hopeless Romantic

The title says it all I guess...I am just an old, sentimental, hopeless romantic.
But before I really get into the subject, I would like to just get one thing out in the open as it is causing me a little bit of concern, and I would welcome any feedback from my readers if you feel it's warranted..?
I made the decision to return to writing my blogs as I was told by some that they were being missed, and also because I find them quite theraputic in getting some of my thoughts out of my system. However, some people apparantly feel that I may be being a little too personal for my own good, and that I'm leaving myself open to pity or ridicule ~ to those people I apologise if this is how they feel, but I sincerely hope that they are in the minority and that the majority of you appreciate my writings as just the rambling thoughts of a soppy old fool. I would never disclose any information which would harm or hurt anyone close to me, I can assure you all of that! Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'll crack on...

I suppose I've lived my life in reverse compared to most other people. I was settled down at 20, married in all but name, with a mortgage, and living life with a rather naive view that everything was always fine and dandy ~ a view which I ultimately realised wasn't true at all, as life isn't anything like that in reality...is it?
Once I hit 30 I became single, and it was only then that I began to live the life that maybe I should have lived earlier, rather than the other way around. Between then and now, there has been plenty of love, fun and romance...but unfortunately I've not been able to walk off into the sunset blissfully in love.

I'm not complaining though.
I have been very lucky to have known some wonderful ladies; experienced some unbelievable times; and shared some very special and precious moments with some equally special and precious women. Modesty and humility prevents me from regaling all of the details, plus the fact that I always adhere to the principle that 'gentlemen don't kiss and tell', along with the reasoning that I would always wish to protect the identity of these special ladies. But needless-to-say I've had my moments...
I've learnt that it's important to look after the fairer sex; to show them respect; to pamper them and treat them right...and believe me if you do this then the rewards are definitely worth it when these sentiments are reciprocated. I would think nothing of bringing my lady a cuppa in bed every morning; of cooking her a meal or running her a bath after she's endured a tough day at work; or for ultimate relaxation, I'd always offer a full body massage by candle-light...who said romance was dead!

I've travelled all over the country to find true love, and enjoyed my fair share of weekends away in hotels, holiday romances, as well as of course what I thought at the time was the 'real thing', but I'm not one to boast of any of my (s)exploits ~ I've even ventured to the other side of the world to New Zealand in my persuit of happiness...but that's another story for a future blog!
I once purposedly changed my job and moved 70 miles from Bournemouth to Bath, to be near a lady I was seeing at the time who had moved away, only for the relationship to ultimately fail...but at least I gave it a go, rather than staying put and wondering what if? Within a few years I had met someone else who completely turned my life upside down. As usual though, the timing wasn't ideal for either of us, so our relationship only lasted one memorable summer. She lived with me for a few months, but in truth I think our main home that summer was the pub...which probably explains a lot about the crazy time we shared together!

Seeing as the whole essence of my blog is to regale tales, it would be remiss of me not to tell a couple of stories which often raise a smile and always warms the heart. Although a practitioner in not breaking any confidences, I do believe that I'm being quite discreet when I tell you about two very happy nights, one
from way back in the day, and the other from a few years ago...

The first story is more of an amusing one...
I received a phone call around midnight from a lady that I had just started seeing, who asked me to call round. Bearing in mind I had no car at the time, and public transport has stopped for the night, the only remaining option was getting a taxi for the ten mile journey. Imagine my suprise on my arrival at her house when I found a note attached to her front door saying something along the lines of:
"I've just seen the cab pull up, so I've left the side door unlocked.
 I've left some cash on the bedside table to cover the cab fare.
 I'm heading to the shower ~ come on in and join me!"
What a girl she was...sweet, kind, and beautiful, with lovely, soft olive skin; deep dark eyes, the kind of eyes that you get lost in when you gazed into them. I used to watch her breathing in her sleep sometimes, as I was totally in awe of her beauty...God knows what she saw in an ugly, bald fella like me? Must've been my massage skills? Lol.

"...I left a note each day under your pillow
 that I wrote in invisible ink
 all you have to do is breathe on them
 and you might read them written there in pink
 you might find out what's inside me,
 maybe it's something that might amuse,
 as you watch the words appearing,
 the fear will go,
 and everything will flow..."

Regretably though, she was just another relationship which didn't stand the test of time. The lady in question was just going through a divorce, and was feeling quite lost, lonely, and with low self-esteem. Being with me seemed to revive her fortunes and perk her up a little, as I tried my best to pamper her and shower her with attention, care, love and affection...you know, some proper TLC. Unfortunately after a period of time she began to feel liberated, but she also felt that she needed to go off and find herself (?)
This is why I often retain friendships with some of my past relationships, as the parting of our ways is usually quite amicable and friendly...although it's tough for me at the time. At least I have the knowledge that I have helped them in some way, and I guess I may have restored their faith in human kindness, in allowing them to realise that not all men are a total waste of space!

I've also conducted long-distance relationships which are never easy. The travelling can get you down (especially the return journey), and although absense definitely makes the heart grow fonder, there is also an element of 'what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve', which can creep into your psyche. The worst aspect of these relationships is having too much time alone to second-think what the other person may be doing. I found what helped was writing my thoughts down on paper and sending them to my sweetheart in the post. Despite the modern technological age, I've always preferred to write a personal letter in my own handwriting...something which I know has been appreciated by some of the women concerned.

And this links in neatly with the second story...
I like to think that whereas the previous tale was amusing, this one shows love in a truer light, all be in a rather bittersweet kind of way. This story concerns the most recent relationship that I've been involved in, which didn't last as long as we'd both hoped due to tragic circumstances previously shared in older blogs which some of you are already familar with. Rather than focus on the tragedy, I would prefer to recall the happy night when we finally got together.
Events had conspired against us in allowing us to make a really good go of things, and numerous obstacles were put in our way, but eventually we found a way to conduct a long distance relationship. The night we finally got to spend together for the very first time will stay with me forever.
During the two hour train journey to where she lived, I was a complete bag of nerves as I didn't really know what to expect, but as soon as I arrived at her house all the worry instantly vanished. She greeted me at her door, and I received the biggest and longest hug that I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. She just wouldn't let me go, as she held me so close for what seemed like for ages. When she let me go so that I could catch my breath, I saw she had tears running down her pretty face, and she said that she'd never been so happy as she gave me a sweet kiss. We then shared a beautifully tender night together, which will live on in the memory forever...now that's how I will always remember her, and may she always rest in peace ♥

Although I have had my heart broken countless times before, I am not sad, bitter or cynical. I believe my time will come one day, probably when I'm least expecting it. I also believe that I am a good man, with a big heart and a kind soul, who possesses a generous and caring nature...it's just that I haven't met that special lady to share with it yet.
I thought previously that I had, and there are a couple of ladies who will always own a piece of my heart.
A lot of the time the romance has failed due to specific circumstances, or unfortunate tragic reasons, or as I previously said, bad timing. But rather than being all doom and gloom, I'd much rather remember the happy times we shared together.
I do tend to fall in love very easily, but falling out of love can take me forever. I've also changed my perspective and outlook to some extent as I'm not getting any younger! As I rapidly approach my 45th birthday next week, it's natural that I should find comfort in the company of ladies nearer my own age, rather than running around after some young girl in a skirt with whom I'd probably have very little in common. And believe me, there are some fine looking ladies in thier thirties & forties out there!

"...all the pretty young things seem suddenly boring,
 when I look into her eyes, all the world is behind..."

As you get older, you begin to see inside a person and see that beauty can take many different forms.
I believe that if you love the woman, then you love everything about that woman. If she has children from a previous relationship for instance, then you must understand that her children are part of her...so embrace them and love them all unconditionally.
In addition, as you get older things can get complicated with regards to forging new relationships, due to personal history and individual experiences which can affect your feelings, and even sometimes it can question your trust in someone else. Despite these possible misgivings I firmly believe that love can conquer all, but time will tell I guess..?

I may have been unlucky in love to a certain extent so far in my life, but I have also been enriched by some magical moments shared with some beautiful women. I do get quite lonely sometimes, and would dearly love to hold someone special close at night once again...but like I say, I'm just a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve, who has plenty of love to give...just nobody to give it to!

Steve M

PS ~ Due to my forthcoming two week break where I intend to become a recluse & shut myself away for a while, my next blog will be posted on Tuesday November 6th.