A Man Of Contradictions

With today being the unfortunate anniversary of Gary Speed's tragic death (pictured - one year on and we still don't know the real reasons why), the subject of this weeks blog is the inner turmoil and conflict which can trouble every individual...including me!

Gary Speed had a disguished football career as a player for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, and Bolton, before beginning to find success as a manager with the Welsh national team.
He was a rare breed in the football world...he was a gentleman who was universally appreciated by everyone, and he was well respected as a decent, genuine, family man.
His apparant suicide, (or was it a cry for help?) hit me quite hard at the time, as he was the same age as I had been when I had my moment of weakness. Trawling through all the media coverage on that fateful day last year, brought back many sad emotions of my own personal situation in August 2009, and my sympathy immediately went out to all his family. However, unlike Gary Speed I had no wife or children to leave behind, and that was a main factor in my warped logic at the time...I wasn't leaving anyone behind, so therefore I felt that I wouldn't be missed.

I have previously told the story of my crazy time spent in Edinburgh when I lost the plot and went AWOL for a while, in my blog entitled, 'Time To Bite The Bullet!', which featured in the series, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home'.
- you can check this out if you wish by looking in the previous blogs, archived in the right-hand margin under my complete profile -
Although I gave an account of events in this blog, I didn't really elaborate on how I was feeling at the time, or what drove me to such drastic measures. This I will try to set straight now...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know,
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

And that's the point, similar to Gary Speed, you just don't know what someone else is thinking.
Inside they may be struggling or wrestling with all sorts of demons, doubts and troubles, or feeling so low, whilst outwardly displaying a positive persona. Also, you just don't know what's going on behind-the-scenes, or behind closed doors in domestic situations, and individuals can secretly be hiding all their emotions and feelings deep within themselves. This can then mean that nobody has a clue about what is really going on in their lives, or what is really going on in their head.

From my own perspective at that time in Edinburgh I was feeling very conflicted and desperately distraught.
I felt totally alone and completely isolated, partly by driving people away and partly because I couldn't open up and express my feelings. I honestly felt that I had nobody left in my life, so if I was to vanish off the face of the earth entirely then nobody would miss me. I felt that I had nobody left in my life who loved me, and I found myself heavily burdened with tremendous guilt, a deep hurt, and an intense pain, all of which were tearing me apart.

I tried to nulify this pain with alcohol and sleeping pills, but this only lulled me into a comatose-like depression, yet somehow (and to this day I still don't know how) I survived and I was spared.
Ever since surviving that sad period of my life three years ago, I've regularly tried to work out why this happened, but I know that I'll probably never find an answer that sits comfortably with me. In the final analysis I realised that I had hit rock-bottom, so at least I then knew that the only way was up. I've also since come to know that I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, as when I was really at my lowest ebb they were there for me unconditionally...and I'll be eternally grateful to them for that.
Whilst I continually strive to find a simplistic way of life, I've come to realise that this isn't always possible, so I've come to accept this as best I can, although therein lies my problem...I am a man of contradictions!

I don't do simple, despite wishing I could.
I do things the hard way, or surround myself with challenging circumstances, or involve myself with people who need me to be strong and supportive for them - it's like I can identify with them, or by helping them I'm actually helping myself...a sort of self-redemption?
My psyche or DNA appears to be made up of the following 12 contradictions:

* I strive for simplicity, yet forever discover only complexity.
* I seek out inner peace, yet only seem to find inner conflict.
* I live life in extremes, either total denial or complete excess.
* I try to be minimalistic with my possessions, yet the clutter in my head is expansive!
* I care greatly about others, but I don't seem to care about myself to the same degree.
* I am a loner, yet I crave the company of that special person in my life.
* I like stability in my life, yet continually move around location like a gypsy.
* I want to be loved, yet I can be fearful if someone genuinely shows it to me.
* I am never comfortable with organised religion, yet I have a blind faith in human kindness.
* I try to live by a certain spiritual moral code, yet I'm no saint.
* I try to live in the present and look to the future, yet my heart can still ache for the past.
* I am not insecure, yet I am quite vulnerable.

So what, if anything, can I conclude from all of these contradictions...and please don't say I'm messed up in the head! Lol.
Maybe, because I am on my own I have too much time on my hands to think, and to be self-critical. And if I had someone in my life permanently, all my focus and attention would be on her instead?
I know that I was extremely sad on hearing that my ex-girlfriend had recently passed away, but I also know that she wouldn't want me to wallow around in self-pity - she would want me to go out and live my life as happily as possible, and she made me promise her that I would do just that.
In her memory I must strive to respect her wishes, which was always to move on and not dwell on the past.
This was brought home to me at the weekend, when I had the pleasure to share a few priceless hours over a coffee, chatting to a lovely lady making me realise that the future can still be bright...?
We made each other laugh and smile, as we recalled the past, spoke of the current, and dreamed of the future. She brought some much needed sunshine into my life, despite the continual rain which was outside.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...♥

Next week...'Tales From The Downs'.

Steve M

Tales From The Depot

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"...eventually!

There are two things that I learnt from my great mate Crewy, when I worked for the logistics company, TNT, and these same two things have stood me in good stead for all aspects of life whenever I've been confronted with trouble, or if I've ever been wrongly accused of something, or if certain people cause me grief in their vain attempts to cover their own backsides at my expense:

1. If you always tell the truth, then although they may not like what they hear, they can't have a go at you, and...
2. They are going to need you for a favour, long before you need them for one!

Never were these sentiments more relevant than when I worked the nightshift in a satellite branch of the main Bristol TNT depot between 2004 and 2008, where I was employed in a two-man team for an independent contract, working under a supervisor called 'Clarence' (a nickname given by Crewy ~ private joke). As the contract grew so did the workload, yet I found myself regularly doing the lion shares of the work as Clarence began going AWOL for periods at a time, which was apparently undetected by the 'powers-that-be'...or so I thought!

It turns out that my supervisor's absense was taken up by 'entertaining' his 'bit-on-the-side' on company time in the middle of the night, despite always portraying the image of being a happily married man to all and sundry. This manifested itself in such forms as disappearing for an hour after our last delivery, or by arriving late for the shift, or by leaving early at the end of the shift for me to finish up on my own.
One Wednesday night when I arrived at the start of my shift, I found him on site already, along with his 'girlfriend', and I knew then that if this was going to become a regular occurence, then at sometime soon he was going to get caught out. But for the time being I just kept my head down, ignored it all and just got on with my work. The real problems began though with his reported timekeeping. Due to the increase in workload we were allowed overtime which was fine for me as I was genuinely working the hours I claimed. Unfortunately, Clarence decided to duplicate my hours on his timesheets despite the fact that he wasn't actually working them! For some reason it became my responsibility to hand in our timesheets on a weekly basis at the main depot, and on one such day whilst I was submitting them I was suddenly summoned to the office of the 'Big Boss'. He asked me if I wanted to share anything with him, which I politely declined, although I sensed that he was on to something.

This went on for a few months, until the Big Boss pulled me in again and this time he laid his cards on the table. He knew Clarence was falsely claiming overtime, as well as other possible misdemeanours, and unless I came clean then he made it quite clear that my job was on the line too.
Now the last thing I wanted to do was 'grass' my supervisor up, so the only thing I said was that it may prove worthwhile to turn up at the satellite depot early on a Wednesday night before the shift was supposed to start, although I didn't elaborate why.
Now that you have the back-story, this is where my tale really begins...

After this meeting with the Big Boss, I decided to take a few nights off so that I was out of the firing line, and away from any potential troubles or consequences. On the Thursday morning I woke up around 6am to find I had a missed call from my mate, Crewy. I called him straight back and he was laughing his socks off wanting to know what was going on with regards to my supervisor. Obviously I had no idea, but I was soon to find out! I took it upon myself to pop into the depot as it was only a ten minute walk away, and when I arrived I found the Big Boss & his assistant finishing off the days work with Clarence nowhere to be found. I helped the Big Boss out for an hour or so, and then he led me into a private office to give me a full account of what had transpired...I guess you could say a 'blow-by-blow' account of the nights events! Lol.
Apparantly, the Big Boss and his assistant had arrived unannounced early the night before onsite at the depot, to find Clarence with his 'girlfriend' in what I suppose you could say was an uncompromising position! After hastily zipping himself up, Clarence was summoned in the office where he was given his cards! This instant dismissal was later down-graded to a forced resignation, but the result was the same...he received his marching orders and I received his old job!
My mate Crewy stepped in to help me out on a permanent basis, and for a while it was bliss!
A new satellite depot manager was installed, and she proved a sight for sore eyes every morning, as well earning my eternal gratitude, as she gave me some additional hours working in the office after my nightshift every morning, which allowed me to save like mad for my New Zealand dream to become to reality, as well as being able to finally meet my great kiwi friend in person, The TWL...thanks as always Lucy, for making this all possible!

After about a year though, our peace was spoiled by the addition of another contract under our roof, which caused all sorts of logistical and operational problems, favouritism and preferential treatment towards this other contract at our expense and hardship, and no end of grief for Crewy and me! But sticking to his rules and principles previously outlined, we survived despite countless accusations, rumours and attempts to land us both in trouble. We always stuck to our guns, we always stuck together, and we always told the truth, which caused quite a few red faces from some of our accusers...not that they ever apologised for wrongly dropping us in it in the first place! And sure enough, after receiving said grief, the very same people then had the gall to turn round and ask us for continual favours because they knew that we were the most reliable workers to fulfill any request! You're so tempted to tell them where to go, but in the end you keep your own council, bite your tongue and try to keep your head down as best you can.
But like I say...'they're gonna need you, long before you need 'em!'

Incidentally, the photo attached with this blog shows my mate Crewy, but I must stress that although the unsuspecting victim of his antics shows an uncanny resemblance...it isn't me!

And finally..
I haven't disclosed Clarence's real name as I felt I should be respectful in trying to preserve a certain sense of dignity, as there is a rather sad footnote to this tale...
Although Clarence soon found alternative employment after this incident, he did lose his marriage and his home, and then about a year later I was informed that he tragically died of a brain tumour.
Not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense a guilt, as possibly my part in his dismissal may have led to the stress which caused this tumour...I know it sounds crazy, but that's just the way I feel and the way that I am.
I guess I just can't help caring too much about other people, even if they've previously tried to shaft me!!!

Next weeks blog will be a slight departure from the usual theme...all will be revealed in a very personal posting next Tuesday, called 'A Man Of Contradictions'.

Steve M

Tales From The Open Road

Four years ago this month I experienced for the first time the joys of New Zealand, but it was the following March that I really lived the dream as I hit the open road...completely on my own, just me and my trusted campervan! With the exception of the first and last day when I caught up with my great kiwi pal, Ange, aka The TWL (tiny wee lady!), in Christchurch, I was entirely alone as I navigated myself around the whole of the South Island, mainly hogging the coastline in a clockwise direction.

"Drive the road to your surrender..."

I had a romantic notion of a road trip adventure akin to something like a Jack Kerouac 'beatnik' novel, cruising the highways across the country in style, taking on hitchhikers, getting into scrapes, swooning over beautiful women on my travels...and just generally having a blast whilst enjoying my freedom!
Well, I did cruise the highways in style; suprisingly I didn't witness any hitchhikers; a few parking nightmares aside, I didn't really get into any scrapes; and as for the swooning...well gentlemen never 'kiss-and-tell', or give too many secrets away! Lol.

I took in some wonderful cities, townships and places such as, Te Anau, Queenstown, Wanaka, Nelson, The Abel Tasman National Park and The Golden Bay.
The space afforded to me on the open roads, and the peace and tranquility I discovered will stay with me forever, as the whole month was a life changing experience to a certain extent, whilst the feeling of escapism was enlightening. Driving the highways of NZ, as well as the twisty, hairpin bends clutching the sides of mountains, with the spectacular scenery of some of the most beautiful lakes in the world, was something that I just can't put into words...it's really one of those things that you have to experience for yourself, words or pictures can never describe it, or do it justice.

"Heading for the open road, goodbye to all that..."

I witnessed some breathtaking views including the biggest rainbow that I had ever seen on the way up the west coast from Franz Josef to Greymouth...it was so illuminating that I nearly crashed my van!
Then then was the drive along Highway 6 from Te Anau to Queenstown alongside Lake Wakatipu (please see footnote at end of blog), taking in the range of spectacular mountains, crowned by the magnificent Coronet Peak, where I achieved another one of my ambitions by freefalling from 15,000 ft in a tandem skydive.
Just 100 km north-east of Queenstown lies the wonderful township of Wanaka. After the long drive I stayed there for a few days and really chilled out! I made my second home a local cafe, and I regularly dined out on obscure toasted sandwiches and coffee to my hearts content.
The only exercise I took whilst relaxing in this lovely place was a trek up the nearby Mount Iron, which overlooks the twin lakes of Wanaka and Hawea with stunning pararamic views.

Looking back on it, I find it hard to recall specific incidents as the whole experience will live with me forever. Just being able to get up in the morning without a care in the world, and then set off on a journey without neccesarily any destination in mind is a wonderful luxury to enjoy. And being able to breakaway from the hustle and bustle of busy city life in the UK, and be transformed to such a beautiful place on the other side of the world does your heart and soul good...you've just got to try it at least once in your life!
And don't let age put you off, as you're never too old to travel...I didn't realise my life's dream until I was in my forties, so if I can do it then anyone can!!!

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer"

Footnote: Lake Wakatipu is unique in that it actually appears to have a tide just like the sea or ocean.
Maori legend has it that this is due to the beating heart of a buried god beneath...spiritual stuff indeed!
In fact I'd like to put it on record that when I pass on from this world, if I could have one final wish I would like my ashes to be scattered over this lake off the jetty at Queenstown...as this is undoubtably my spiritual home where my heart belongs ♥

Next week...'Tales From The Depot'.

Steve M

Tales From The Bottle

After a two week break catching up on some much needed rest, and coming to terms with the sad news that my ex-girlfriend finally lost her brave fight with cancer, I had intended to return with a witty and humourous blog regaling tall tales from drunken antics, and fun nights out.
Unfortunately, during this period I became ill with the same chest pains that I experienced a year ago, and I found that this gave me a totally different perspective on what I wanted to write about, and I swear the pain that I was feeling was actually caused by my heart breaking on hearing the sad news about my ex.
The doctors prescribed the medication to repair the damage caused to the lining of my internal chest walls, my stomach, and my oesophagus, and I'm pleased to say that the meds are slowly kicking-in. This has meant though that booze is off the agenda for the forseeable future, and my diet has been greatly altered.
I had prepared an initial draft of this blog containing drunken stories, but when I read it back I didn't feel a sense of fun or humour, but more a feeling of embarrassment and shame.
After all, there isn't anything particularly funny about waking up after the night before with bloodied kness and holes in your trousers, and coming to the conclusion that you must've crawled home...is there?
Or, of being so drunk and disorderly after a demon cocktail of pills and booze, that you collapse in the street and end up in the local infirmary on suicide watch! Not very clever, is it?

"The wrong side of a lifetime's wishing thinking drove me here to pills and ale,
 come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."

Fortunately these two incidents are extreme examples, but they did make me think and take stock of my life. I'm 45 now, and I can no longer keep up with the kids, so I guess it's time to accept this fact and act my age. I like to think with the exception of these two incidents, that I am generally a very happy drunk when I've been out on the gigglejuice (as my great kiwi pal, The TWL fondly calls it!), but I do often feel very nostalgic about past romances, and it's quite common for me to send a soppy text message or facebook messages when I am in this state. So hopefully now that these boozy nights are a thing of the past, then the unfortunate recipients of said messages need worry no more? My sincerest apologies to anyone who has ever been contacted in these circumstances.

One funny little incident which I'm happy to recall however, as it shows that I wasn't as drunk as first envisaged, happened just over a year ago. I was out with friends and colleagues straight from work on a Friday night, and had lasted the pace right upto midnight (not bad for an old fella like me!), when I suddenly became aware that it was definitely time to call it a night!
Why, you may well ask?
Well, I was convinced that I must've been so drunk, because when I had been admiring a lovely lady across the bar I realised that I could see two of her!!!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing...about a week later I discovered that this lovely lady was actually out on the town with her identical twin sister!!!
Maybe had I been a little more observant I would have noticed, and had the courage to go to talk to them...'erm, I mean talk to her!

I'm currently back on the coffee, smoothie, oats and porridge diet, due to my ill health, and alcohol is off limits for the time being, so at least I should be able to sustain a healthier living lifestyle. In time I will no doubt enjoy the odd beer or shot of Jack, but these occassions will be few and far between.
This lifestyle change may result in a rather reclusive and hermit-like existence for a while, but with all that's happened recently, this suits me just fine.
I intend to keep myself-to-myself, with the exception of these weekly blogs...next up is 'Tales From The Open Road'.
Please don't worry if I appear a little less communicative...it's just my way of dealing with things.

Until next week, be safe & take care.

Steve M