A Man Of Contradictions

With today being the unfortunate anniversary of Gary Speed's tragic death (pictured - one year on and we still don't know the real reasons why), the subject of this weeks blog is the inner turmoil and conflict which can trouble every individual...including me!

Gary Speed had a disguished football career as a player for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, and Bolton, before beginning to find success as a manager with the Welsh national team.
He was a rare breed in the football world...he was a gentleman who was universally appreciated by everyone, and he was well respected as a decent, genuine, family man.
His apparant suicide, (or was it a cry for help?) hit me quite hard at the time, as he was the same age as I had been when I had my moment of weakness. Trawling through all the media coverage on that fateful day last year, brought back many sad emotions of my own personal situation in August 2009, and my sympathy immediately went out to all his family. However, unlike Gary Speed I had no wife or children to leave behind, and that was a main factor in my warped logic at the time...I wasn't leaving anyone behind, so therefore I felt that I wouldn't be missed.

I have previously told the story of my crazy time spent in Edinburgh when I lost the plot and went AWOL for a while, in my blog entitled, 'Time To Bite The Bullet!', which featured in the series, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home'.
- you can check this out if you wish by looking in the previous blogs, archived in the right-hand margin under my complete profile -
Although I gave an account of events in this blog, I didn't really elaborate on how I was feeling at the time, or what drove me to such drastic measures. This I will try to set straight now...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know,
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

And that's the point, similar to Gary Speed, you just don't know what someone else is thinking.
Inside they may be struggling or wrestling with all sorts of demons, doubts and troubles, or feeling so low, whilst outwardly displaying a positive persona. Also, you just don't know what's going on behind-the-scenes, or behind closed doors in domestic situations, and individuals can secretly be hiding all their emotions and feelings deep within themselves. This can then mean that nobody has a clue about what is really going on in their lives, or what is really going on in their head.

From my own perspective at that time in Edinburgh I was feeling very conflicted and desperately distraught.
I felt totally alone and completely isolated, partly by driving people away and partly because I couldn't open up and express my feelings. I honestly felt that I had nobody left in my life, so if I was to vanish off the face of the earth entirely then nobody would miss me. I felt that I had nobody left in my life who loved me, and I found myself heavily burdened with tremendous guilt, a deep hurt, and an intense pain, all of which were tearing me apart.

I tried to nulify this pain with alcohol and sleeping pills, but this only lulled me into a comatose-like depression, yet somehow (and to this day I still don't know how) I survived and I was spared.
Ever since surviving that sad period of my life three years ago, I've regularly tried to work out why this happened, but I know that I'll probably never find an answer that sits comfortably with me. In the final analysis I realised that I had hit rock-bottom, so at least I then knew that the only way was up. I've also since come to know that I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, as when I was really at my lowest ebb they were there for me unconditionally...and I'll be eternally grateful to them for that.
Whilst I continually strive to find a simplistic way of life, I've come to realise that this isn't always possible, so I've come to accept this as best I can, although therein lies my problem...I am a man of contradictions!

I don't do simple, despite wishing I could.
I do things the hard way, or surround myself with challenging circumstances, or involve myself with people who need me to be strong and supportive for them - it's like I can identify with them, or by helping them I'm actually helping myself...a sort of self-redemption?
My psyche or DNA appears to be made up of the following 12 contradictions:

* I strive for simplicity, yet forever discover only complexity.
* I seek out inner peace, yet only seem to find inner conflict.
* I live life in extremes, either total denial or complete excess.
* I try to be minimalistic with my possessions, yet the clutter in my head is expansive!
* I care greatly about others, but I don't seem to care about myself to the same degree.
* I am a loner, yet I crave the company of that special person in my life.
* I like stability in my life, yet continually move around location like a gypsy.
* I want to be loved, yet I can be fearful if someone genuinely shows it to me.
* I am never comfortable with organised religion, yet I have a blind faith in human kindness.
* I try to live by a certain spiritual moral code, yet I'm no saint.
* I try to live in the present and look to the future, yet my heart can still ache for the past.
* I am not insecure, yet I am quite vulnerable.

So what, if anything, can I conclude from all of these contradictions...and please don't say I'm messed up in the head! Lol.
Maybe, because I am on my own I have too much time on my hands to think, and to be self-critical. And if I had someone in my life permanently, all my focus and attention would be on her instead?
I know that I was extremely sad on hearing that my ex-girlfriend had recently passed away, but I also know that she wouldn't want me to wallow around in self-pity - she would want me to go out and live my life as happily as possible, and she made me promise her that I would do just that.
In her memory I must strive to respect her wishes, which was always to move on and not dwell on the past.
This was brought home to me at the weekend, when I had the pleasure to share a few priceless hours over a coffee, chatting to a lovely lady making me realise that the future can still be bright...?
We made each other laugh and smile, as we recalled the past, spoke of the current, and dreamed of the future. She brought some much needed sunshine into my life, despite the continual rain which was outside.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...♥

Next week...'Tales From The Downs'.

Steve M