Old Too Soon, Smart Too Late

"Old too soon, smart too late..."

Since my last two blogs which dealt with my optimism and future hopes, I'm afraid to report that once again these dreams have been dashed. Some may say who was I really kidding, as in reality the situation was never really going to work out, and my past experiences would've probably taught me that too.
Still, I can't help being an old hopeless romantic, although in hindsight maybe I'm just an old fool.

"There's no fool like an old fool...", but there's no need for me to elaborate too much on this, as I know that I can be too open for my own good sometimes, and I'm also aware that I continually wear my heart on my sleeve. Needless to say I've made countless sacrifices and compromises previously in my life, which have only resulted in heartache and debt, but enough-is-enough.
Now that I've finally found a place that I am happy in and that I can genuinely call home, I am reluctant to make any further personal sacrifices. After five months in my small, yet luxurious apartment, I remain content in the knowledge that this is where I belong. I have a good, steady job with great friends, so it's great to say that I've now got some stability in my life.

I also have to be realistic that at 45 years of age, I know that at my time of life now it is hard to start all over yet again. Finding work at my age can prove very problematic, and due to the aforementioned debts I haven't the means to do so even if I wished to. In three years time it will be a totally different matter, as I will be completely debt free, so I just need to bide my time and remain patient.

With my theme of my blogs supposedly being tall tales and short stories, I'm aware that I may have deviated away from the subject matter of late. But I guess the moral of this story is that I should be grateful for what I've got ~ I've come a long way from where I found myself three years ago, as I've evolved from rock-bottom to contentment and relative personal happiness. I know that I will always be fine and that I'll continue to enjoy life and make new friends along the way.
Therefore I'll forever remain an upbeat, happy-go-lucky, soppy, old hopeless romantic, who just happens to be currently flying solo!

Finally, good luck to my great friend Trace for her impending house move ~ wishing you, Gar & the girls much happiness in your new home. And many thanks as ever to Elona for her continual support and friendship ~ sorry we couldn't meet up last week but I look forward to catching up with you next month.

Steve M

A New Year Wish

Hi,

A belated Happy New Year to everyone!

Following on from my last blog entitled, 'A Change Of Heart', I'm pleased to report that I am extremely happy in the knowledge that there is an angel in my life, albeit one who's far, far too many miles away from me for my liking. But, there is comfort in knowing that our feelings transcend the distance between us, and that the hope and belief remains strong that we can be together soon.

With regards to my blogs, I'm going to be adopting a sense of a 'less-is-more' attitude from now on, resulting in minimal Facebook postings and a reduction in the published blogs that I produce...hopefully it'll be a case of 'quality-not-quantity', and what little I do actually write will have a certain impact when read...but I'll leave that up to you to decide?

It's often been said that maybe I'm too open and honest for my own good; that maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve too readily; that maybe I try too hard sometimes; and that maybe I care too much too often... but this is just the way that I'm made, and I'm far too old to change my ways now anyway!

To all the non-believers, and the unromantic sceptics & cynics, I have one simple message...
Why shouldn't I persue the chance of love & happiness, even if circumstances currently conspire against us?
If our feelings are strong enough and our love is true, then no obstacles put in our way should prevent us from being together one day, and being able to enjoy a happy life.
I'd much rather take a risk in life than sit on my backside doing nothing and wondering, what if...?

So I'll finish up by saying that if I could have just one wish this year, it would be for my angel & I to be able to share a magical future together.
I'll never stop believing that this will happen, I'll keep the faith alive, and I'll always hope that all of our dreams will be realised in 2013.

Until next time...whenever that may be?
Take care & best wishes to you all.

Steve M

A Change Of Heart

A New Year always brings new hopes, new dreams, a new dawn, and the possibility of a new start...
I wasn't expecting to write another blog so soon, but something magical has happened in my life, which I want to share, and which has totally turned my life upside down!

As I previously wrote I thought I'd remain an eligible batchelor for life, and be a single guy forever. This was borne out of the knowledge of an unhappy past, ranging from a troubled, abusive long-term relationship, to my most recent girlfriend who tragically passed away with terminal cancer. But rather than be a cynic, I wanted to keep faith with the belief that true love would find me again one day...it's just that I was being realistic in thinking that it would never actually happen to me.

I may be an old, hopeless romantic...but even this optimist has to have a reality check sometimes!

So imagine my suprise when completely out-of-the blue, an angel enters my life who completely changes my perspective on love and on life; a beautiful girl who loves me for who I am and actually wants to be by my side forever and ever!
These feelings and sentiments are totally reciprocated, and I know that she is 'The One' for me♥
She is on my mind constantly, she has consumed my thoughts, and my whole life has changed.
My heart beats only for her, and right now it is aching as it is being torn apart by a sudden change of events.
Because the trouble is that she's just read my previous blog and is now having doubts as to whether I am being sincere with my change of heart, and whether I can honestly commit to a loving relationship.
The truth is that I know that I can, and I aim to prove it to her!
All I can say is that my love for her is real, and that my love for her is true...so Kylie, if you're reading this please know that I am serious when I say that I love you, and I'm happy for the whole world to know how happy you make me feel ~ please be mine forever & let me show you just how much you mean to me♥

If we both want it bad enough, then I know we can make it work.
If it's meant to be then it will happen, as love does indeed move in mysterious ways.

Let's hope that 2013 proves to be the year when both my new love and myself find true happinesss...I will be keeping my fingers crossed, and I really hope that all of our dreams come true?♥


Steve M.

Tales From My 40's...So Far!

My adult life can be seperated quite distinctly by the various decades...
My 20's were taken up by learning the harsh realities of life; a mortgage; domestic bliss (not!); a loveless relationship; bills, debts and all the encompassing trials & tribulations etc..
My 30's were all about rediscovering my independence and getting on with my life; by relocating time-and-time again, and just generally finding a place where I felt I could belong.
And my 40's were/are a complete mixed bag, full of highs 'n' lows, ups 'n' downs...

I celebrated my 40th birthday amongst friends in Ireland (pictured).
It wasn't a big party, but I used the occassion to get a lot of my Irish pals together, and had a few English mates fly over with me too.
We hired a massive house out for the weekend in a beautiful little fishing village called Ring, situated in West Cork, and much fun was had by all.
The rest of that year was taken up with my planning for the future, saving hard and making good a wish to move to a place I had longed fancied living in - Cheltenham.
I spent seven very happy months living in the swanky part of the town called Montpelier, and enjoyed a great lifestyle for a while.

My 41st birthday preceeded my first visit to the wonder that is New Zealand...and that pretty much took up the first part of that year, as a second trip followed shortly afterwards.
The rest of that year was a real downer; events which I have written about already, but hope sprang eternal on my 42nd birthday.
Reaching 42 was a fresh start, as on my birthday I received a job offer, and I finally began the process of consolidating all my finances enabling me to move on with my life. This took up much of the following year, so it wasn't until I hit the ripe old age off 44 that my next target came into focus, which was to get my own place once again.
Finally, I achieved this in August of this year - my first apartment for four years, and this made me a very happy man.

As to now and the present at the ripe old age of 45 ~ well, what can I say...

"Some of us want a fast car, some of us want to stand and gaze.
 Some of us pine for the great outdoors, some of us won't leave the house for days.
 Some of us have died for their freedom, some are quite happy in the cage.
 Some think a wild time is what they want at night,
 But freedom to sleep would be complete delight..."

At 45 I find myself like this...
I'm a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, hopeless romantic who has finally fallen on my feet :)
I don't want much in life; maybe a cure for my insomnia would be nice!
I only ever had a few ambitions and dreams, and I know that I've been fortunate to realise them.
This series of blogs is supposed to concentrate on some of my personal stories, but although I could regale some tales it would go against the principle that I hold dear...which is gentlemen never 'kiss-and-tell', because most of my potential stories from my 40's would involve one lady or another! Lol.
This decade so far has involved some romance, but essentially I have loved and lost (literally).
The other subject matter which has dominated my 40's has been my adventures in New Zealand...but I think I've exhausted these stories now.
Moving home to a lovely apartment in a peaceful part of town (Chichester) has proved to be the perfect tonic for me at this time of my life.
It resembles a fresh start, so life is indeed very good.
After a couple of minor heartbreaks and setbacks, I've come to the conclusion that it's probably best for me to remain an eligible batchelor, and the fact that for once I've actually got some money in my wallet is a wonderful feeling which allows me to enjoy an even happier lifestyle.
Many thanks to my mates for enriching me with an active social life, and much gratitude is sent to all my friends who I'm fortunate to enjoy some lunchtimes with, where we can share a laugh and a smile...you all contribute in making me a very happy fella!
Also special thanks to three friends who have always been there for me, no matter where they actually live:
Elona, Trace, and The TWL!♥

So at the risk of disappointing you, it's time to bid you all fareful for 2012.
Due to a current heavy workload and a busy schedule over the forthcoming festive season, this will be my last blog until the New Year...but may I wish you all a wonderful Christmas & thank you for all of your continual support.

Peace to you all ♥

Steve M





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Tales From The Downs

After last weeks rather heavy subject matter, I thought I'd lighten the mood with a happy recollection of the Cancer Research UK charity walk undertaken seven months ago.
When three friends and myself succesfully completed the trek of the entire length of The South Downs Way, we agreed to abide to the principle of 'what goes on tour, stays on tour'...but I must confess that a few private stories have since leaked out amongst our closest friends!
Some tales will forever stay with us only, but there are a few instances which can be shared here today, which wouldn't offend any of us, and hopefully will raise a few laughs. Don't worry Curph, Chappers & Oakers...some secrets I'm taking to the grave! Lol.
The other purpose of this blog is to start a campaign for Chappers to pull his finger out and sort out the video footage of our experiences! ~ but more about that later...

I previously gave an account of our trek in the blog entitled, 'Taken To The Limit' in my 'Ramblin' Man!' series, which can be found in the archives on the right hand margin under my complete profile.
That piece was written in the immediate aftermath of the event, when emotions were still running high...and our bodies were still getting over the shock of walking over 100 miles in weather and terrain that had to be experienced to be believed!
However, seven months later and our perspectives have changed a little, as we now mainly remember only the good things about the week, and the reasoning that we did it for a good cause. We all immediately stated that we'd never do something like this again...but that sentiment is slowly softening, so you never know?
At the last check we had raised around £3,500 between the four of us, and my link to my 'Just Giving' sponsorship page is below should anyone like to make a further donation whilst the account remains active.

 http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

I think we all as individuals had our own personal agenda's for participating in this walk, but it wouldn't be right for me to disclose any reasons why for the other lads, apart from the fact that they did it to support me. All I know from my own personal point of view was that I had a justified reason with a certain person in mind, and I hope that I did her proud. On the final day when we hit the promenade in Eastbourne, I purposely held back from the others a little so that I could take it all in...it was a very emotional conclusion at the end of a very long journey, and I can't deny shedding a tear or two.

But rather than dwelling on some of the overwhelming emotions of that incredible week, I'd prefer to regale you with a couple of tales which will hopefully make you laugh, or maybe even beggar to disbelieve?
The two particular stories that I'd like to recall both happened after experiencing really tough days of trekking, and what makes them memorable is the contrast in emotions from recovering from our efforts to enjoying the craik, the banter, and the camaraderie amongst ourselves immediately afterwards.
Well, when I say immediately afterwards the first tale actually carried over to the following morning!
After such a testing Monday walking in continual rain, and over rough terrain, we all collapsed late that night and before we realised it we were back on the trail on Tuesday morning, without having an opportunity to take stock of the previous days events. What joy we had though, as the rain stopped and bright sunshine greeted us for the whole day, which immediately put us all in a good mood.
As we strolled through a field of bright yellow rape seed, I had just taken a photo of Curph (please see attached below) who was first in line, then it was me, Oakers was next, and bringing up the rear was Chappers, when we were suddenly confronted by the most surreal of sights...
Just emerging over a slight rise in the field came a granny on a motorised scooter!
We all stood there in stunned silence and amazement, as first she went past us, followed immediately by another, then a third, and finally a fourth! It was the most surreal moment of the week, and none of us had the inclination to capture this moment on camera...except Chappers!
Now the reason that Chappers was bringing up the rear was because he had his camcorder out in his vain efforts to be the next Martin Scorsese, or was it David Attenborough? Lol.
He had the great idea to keep a video diary of the week, and his narrative may prove to be inspired...but we still don't know as seven months on we're still waiting for the footage to be edited and uploaded for all to see...pull your finger out Chappers! Hence my call for the campaign to lobby for 'The South Downs Way Video Diaries' to be published...maybe you can all join my cause?
Now I think what would work especially well for this incident with the four grannies on their scooters, is to set the scene with the music of 'Ride of the Valkeries' akin to something similar from 'Apocalypse Now', just as they emerge over the horizon...

The second and final tale isn't as surreal, but looking back the memories and visions that we conjure up on reflection does make us all laugh, and if anyone else was to see us at that particular moment, they would probably run for cover!
It relates to a tough Wednesday walk when mercifully the overnight rain had ceased to exist, but in it's place was the most vicious biting and howling wind, which made climbing and descending hills very, very difficult. Midway through the morning I felt my right knee beginning to suffer under the strain, Chappers popped a groin, Oakers had a long-standing problem with one of his knees, and Curph had severely swollen shins and ankles!
So visualise the image if you can, once the day had finished of all four of us spread out in one room watching the football on TV, sharing a few tinnies, whilst at the same time we were all nursing various parts of our anatomy with self-made ice-packs...additionally with Chappers and me wrapped up in fancy dressing gowns kindly donated by our lovely hostess for the night at the B&B we were staying at!
It wasn't a pretty sight, I can assure you of that!
Incredibly the following morning after a hearty breakfast, we all took to the trail completely invigorated and recovered from our assorted ailments and injuries...Oh, the power of an ice-pack on your privates!

"Above all do not lose your desire to walk: every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness; I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it..." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Next week: 'Tales From My 40's...So Far!'...

Steve M

A Man Of Contradictions

With today being the unfortunate anniversary of Gary Speed's tragic death (pictured - one year on and we still don't know the real reasons why), the subject of this weeks blog is the inner turmoil and conflict which can trouble every individual...including me!

Gary Speed had a disguished football career as a player for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, and Bolton, before beginning to find success as a manager with the Welsh national team.
He was a rare breed in the football world...he was a gentleman who was universally appreciated by everyone, and he was well respected as a decent, genuine, family man.
His apparant suicide, (or was it a cry for help?) hit me quite hard at the time, as he was the same age as I had been when I had my moment of weakness. Trawling through all the media coverage on that fateful day last year, brought back many sad emotions of my own personal situation in August 2009, and my sympathy immediately went out to all his family. However, unlike Gary Speed I had no wife or children to leave behind, and that was a main factor in my warped logic at the time...I wasn't leaving anyone behind, so therefore I felt that I wouldn't be missed.

I have previously told the story of my crazy time spent in Edinburgh when I lost the plot and went AWOL for a while, in my blog entitled, 'Time To Bite The Bullet!', which featured in the series, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home'.
- you can check this out if you wish by looking in the previous blogs, archived in the right-hand margin under my complete profile -
Although I gave an account of events in this blog, I didn't really elaborate on how I was feeling at the time, or what drove me to such drastic measures. This I will try to set straight now...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know,
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

And that's the point, similar to Gary Speed, you just don't know what someone else is thinking.
Inside they may be struggling or wrestling with all sorts of demons, doubts and troubles, or feeling so low, whilst outwardly displaying a positive persona. Also, you just don't know what's going on behind-the-scenes, or behind closed doors in domestic situations, and individuals can secretly be hiding all their emotions and feelings deep within themselves. This can then mean that nobody has a clue about what is really going on in their lives, or what is really going on in their head.

From my own perspective at that time in Edinburgh I was feeling very conflicted and desperately distraught.
I felt totally alone and completely isolated, partly by driving people away and partly because I couldn't open up and express my feelings. I honestly felt that I had nobody left in my life, so if I was to vanish off the face of the earth entirely then nobody would miss me. I felt that I had nobody left in my life who loved me, and I found myself heavily burdened with tremendous guilt, a deep hurt, and an intense pain, all of which were tearing me apart.

I tried to nulify this pain with alcohol and sleeping pills, but this only lulled me into a comatose-like depression, yet somehow (and to this day I still don't know how) I survived and I was spared.
Ever since surviving that sad period of my life three years ago, I've regularly tried to work out why this happened, but I know that I'll probably never find an answer that sits comfortably with me. In the final analysis I realised that I had hit rock-bottom, so at least I then knew that the only way was up. I've also since come to know that I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, as when I was really at my lowest ebb they were there for me unconditionally...and I'll be eternally grateful to them for that.
Whilst I continually strive to find a simplistic way of life, I've come to realise that this isn't always possible, so I've come to accept this as best I can, although therein lies my problem...I am a man of contradictions!

I don't do simple, despite wishing I could.
I do things the hard way, or surround myself with challenging circumstances, or involve myself with people who need me to be strong and supportive for them - it's like I can identify with them, or by helping them I'm actually helping myself...a sort of self-redemption?
My psyche or DNA appears to be made up of the following 12 contradictions:

* I strive for simplicity, yet forever discover only complexity.
* I seek out inner peace, yet only seem to find inner conflict.
* I live life in extremes, either total denial or complete excess.
* I try to be minimalistic with my possessions, yet the clutter in my head is expansive!
* I care greatly about others, but I don't seem to care about myself to the same degree.
* I am a loner, yet I crave the company of that special person in my life.
* I like stability in my life, yet continually move around location like a gypsy.
* I want to be loved, yet I can be fearful if someone genuinely shows it to me.
* I am never comfortable with organised religion, yet I have a blind faith in human kindness.
* I try to live by a certain spiritual moral code, yet I'm no saint.
* I try to live in the present and look to the future, yet my heart can still ache for the past.
* I am not insecure, yet I am quite vulnerable.

So what, if anything, can I conclude from all of these contradictions...and please don't say I'm messed up in the head! Lol.
Maybe, because I am on my own I have too much time on my hands to think, and to be self-critical. And if I had someone in my life permanently, all my focus and attention would be on her instead?
I know that I was extremely sad on hearing that my ex-girlfriend had recently passed away, but I also know that she wouldn't want me to wallow around in self-pity - she would want me to go out and live my life as happily as possible, and she made me promise her that I would do just that.
In her memory I must strive to respect her wishes, which was always to move on and not dwell on the past.
This was brought home to me at the weekend, when I had the pleasure to share a few priceless hours over a coffee, chatting to a lovely lady making me realise that the future can still be bright...?
We made each other laugh and smile, as we recalled the past, spoke of the current, and dreamed of the future. She brought some much needed sunshine into my life, despite the continual rain which was outside.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...♥

Next week...'Tales From The Downs'.

Steve M

Tales From The Depot

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"...eventually!

There are two things that I learnt from my great mate Crewy, when I worked for the logistics company, TNT, and these same two things have stood me in good stead for all aspects of life whenever I've been confronted with trouble, or if I've ever been wrongly accused of something, or if certain people cause me grief in their vain attempts to cover their own backsides at my expense:

1. If you always tell the truth, then although they may not like what they hear, they can't have a go at you, and...
2. They are going to need you for a favour, long before you need them for one!

Never were these sentiments more relevant than when I worked the nightshift in a satellite branch of the main Bristol TNT depot between 2004 and 2008, where I was employed in a two-man team for an independent contract, working under a supervisor called 'Clarence' (a nickname given by Crewy ~ private joke). As the contract grew so did the workload, yet I found myself regularly doing the lion shares of the work as Clarence began going AWOL for periods at a time, which was apparently undetected by the 'powers-that-be'...or so I thought!

It turns out that my supervisor's absense was taken up by 'entertaining' his 'bit-on-the-side' on company time in the middle of the night, despite always portraying the image of being a happily married man to all and sundry. This manifested itself in such forms as disappearing for an hour after our last delivery, or by arriving late for the shift, or by leaving early at the end of the shift for me to finish up on my own.
One Wednesday night when I arrived at the start of my shift, I found him on site already, along with his 'girlfriend', and I knew then that if this was going to become a regular occurence, then at sometime soon he was going to get caught out. But for the time being I just kept my head down, ignored it all and just got on with my work. The real problems began though with his reported timekeeping. Due to the increase in workload we were allowed overtime which was fine for me as I was genuinely working the hours I claimed. Unfortunately, Clarence decided to duplicate my hours on his timesheets despite the fact that he wasn't actually working them! For some reason it became my responsibility to hand in our timesheets on a weekly basis at the main depot, and on one such day whilst I was submitting them I was suddenly summoned to the office of the 'Big Boss'. He asked me if I wanted to share anything with him, which I politely declined, although I sensed that he was on to something.

This went on for a few months, until the Big Boss pulled me in again and this time he laid his cards on the table. He knew Clarence was falsely claiming overtime, as well as other possible misdemeanours, and unless I came clean then he made it quite clear that my job was on the line too.
Now the last thing I wanted to do was 'grass' my supervisor up, so the only thing I said was that it may prove worthwhile to turn up at the satellite depot early on a Wednesday night before the shift was supposed to start, although I didn't elaborate why.
Now that you have the back-story, this is where my tale really begins...

After this meeting with the Big Boss, I decided to take a few nights off so that I was out of the firing line, and away from any potential troubles or consequences. On the Thursday morning I woke up around 6am to find I had a missed call from my mate, Crewy. I called him straight back and he was laughing his socks off wanting to know what was going on with regards to my supervisor. Obviously I had no idea, but I was soon to find out! I took it upon myself to pop into the depot as it was only a ten minute walk away, and when I arrived I found the Big Boss & his assistant finishing off the days work with Clarence nowhere to be found. I helped the Big Boss out for an hour or so, and then he led me into a private office to give me a full account of what had transpired...I guess you could say a 'blow-by-blow' account of the nights events! Lol.
Apparantly, the Big Boss and his assistant had arrived unannounced early the night before onsite at the depot, to find Clarence with his 'girlfriend' in what I suppose you could say was an uncompromising position! After hastily zipping himself up, Clarence was summoned in the office where he was given his cards! This instant dismissal was later down-graded to a forced resignation, but the result was the same...he received his marching orders and I received his old job!
My mate Crewy stepped in to help me out on a permanent basis, and for a while it was bliss!
A new satellite depot manager was installed, and she proved a sight for sore eyes every morning, as well earning my eternal gratitude, as she gave me some additional hours working in the office after my nightshift every morning, which allowed me to save like mad for my New Zealand dream to become to reality, as well as being able to finally meet my great kiwi friend in person, The TWL...thanks as always Lucy, for making this all possible!

After about a year though, our peace was spoiled by the addition of another contract under our roof, which caused all sorts of logistical and operational problems, favouritism and preferential treatment towards this other contract at our expense and hardship, and no end of grief for Crewy and me! But sticking to his rules and principles previously outlined, we survived despite countless accusations, rumours and attempts to land us both in trouble. We always stuck to our guns, we always stuck together, and we always told the truth, which caused quite a few red faces from some of our accusers...not that they ever apologised for wrongly dropping us in it in the first place! And sure enough, after receiving said grief, the very same people then had the gall to turn round and ask us for continual favours because they knew that we were the most reliable workers to fulfill any request! You're so tempted to tell them where to go, but in the end you keep your own council, bite your tongue and try to keep your head down as best you can.
But like I say...'they're gonna need you, long before you need 'em!'

Incidentally, the photo attached with this blog shows my mate Crewy, but I must stress that although the unsuspecting victim of his antics shows an uncanny resemblance...it isn't me!

And finally..
I haven't disclosed Clarence's real name as I felt I should be respectful in trying to preserve a certain sense of dignity, as there is a rather sad footnote to this tale...
Although Clarence soon found alternative employment after this incident, he did lose his marriage and his home, and then about a year later I was informed that he tragically died of a brain tumour.
Not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense a guilt, as possibly my part in his dismissal may have led to the stress which caused this tumour...I know it sounds crazy, but that's just the way I feel and the way that I am.
I guess I just can't help caring too much about other people, even if they've previously tried to shaft me!!!

Next weeks blog will be a slight departure from the usual theme...all will be revealed in a very personal posting next Tuesday, called 'A Man Of Contradictions'.

Steve M