A Change Of Heart

A New Year always brings new hopes, new dreams, a new dawn, and the possibility of a new start...
I wasn't expecting to write another blog so soon, but something magical has happened in my life, which I want to share, and which has totally turned my life upside down!

As I previously wrote I thought I'd remain an eligible batchelor for life, and be a single guy forever. This was borne out of the knowledge of an unhappy past, ranging from a troubled, abusive long-term relationship, to my most recent girlfriend who tragically passed away with terminal cancer. But rather than be a cynic, I wanted to keep faith with the belief that true love would find me again one day...it's just that I was being realistic in thinking that it would never actually happen to me.

I may be an old, hopeless romantic...but even this optimist has to have a reality check sometimes!

So imagine my suprise when completely out-of-the blue, an angel enters my life who completely changes my perspective on love and on life; a beautiful girl who loves me for who I am and actually wants to be by my side forever and ever!
These feelings and sentiments are totally reciprocated, and I know that she is 'The One' for me♥
She is on my mind constantly, she has consumed my thoughts, and my whole life has changed.
My heart beats only for her, and right now it is aching as it is being torn apart by a sudden change of events.
Because the trouble is that she's just read my previous blog and is now having doubts as to whether I am being sincere with my change of heart, and whether I can honestly commit to a loving relationship.
The truth is that I know that I can, and I aim to prove it to her!
All I can say is that my love for her is real, and that my love for her is true...so Kylie, if you're reading this please know that I am serious when I say that I love you, and I'm happy for the whole world to know how happy you make me feel ~ please be mine forever & let me show you just how much you mean to me♥

If we both want it bad enough, then I know we can make it work.
If it's meant to be then it will happen, as love does indeed move in mysterious ways.

Let's hope that 2013 proves to be the year when both my new love and myself find true happinesss...I will be keeping my fingers crossed, and I really hope that all of our dreams come true?♥


Steve M.

Tales From My 40's...So Far!

My adult life can be seperated quite distinctly by the various decades...
My 20's were taken up by learning the harsh realities of life; a mortgage; domestic bliss (not!); a loveless relationship; bills, debts and all the encompassing trials & tribulations etc..
My 30's were all about rediscovering my independence and getting on with my life; by relocating time-and-time again, and just generally finding a place where I felt I could belong.
And my 40's were/are a complete mixed bag, full of highs 'n' lows, ups 'n' downs...

I celebrated my 40th birthday amongst friends in Ireland (pictured).
It wasn't a big party, but I used the occassion to get a lot of my Irish pals together, and had a few English mates fly over with me too.
We hired a massive house out for the weekend in a beautiful little fishing village called Ring, situated in West Cork, and much fun was had by all.
The rest of that year was taken up with my planning for the future, saving hard and making good a wish to move to a place I had longed fancied living in - Cheltenham.
I spent seven very happy months living in the swanky part of the town called Montpelier, and enjoyed a great lifestyle for a while.

My 41st birthday preceeded my first visit to the wonder that is New Zealand...and that pretty much took up the first part of that year, as a second trip followed shortly afterwards.
The rest of that year was a real downer; events which I have written about already, but hope sprang eternal on my 42nd birthday.
Reaching 42 was a fresh start, as on my birthday I received a job offer, and I finally began the process of consolidating all my finances enabling me to move on with my life. This took up much of the following year, so it wasn't until I hit the ripe old age off 44 that my next target came into focus, which was to get my own place once again.
Finally, I achieved this in August of this year - my first apartment for four years, and this made me a very happy man.

As to now and the present at the ripe old age of 45 ~ well, what can I say...

"Some of us want a fast car, some of us want to stand and gaze.
 Some of us pine for the great outdoors, some of us won't leave the house for days.
 Some of us have died for their freedom, some are quite happy in the cage.
 Some think a wild time is what they want at night,
 But freedom to sleep would be complete delight..."

At 45 I find myself like this...
I'm a happy-go-lucky, optimistic, hopeless romantic who has finally fallen on my feet :)
I don't want much in life; maybe a cure for my insomnia would be nice!
I only ever had a few ambitions and dreams, and I know that I've been fortunate to realise them.
This series of blogs is supposed to concentrate on some of my personal stories, but although I could regale some tales it would go against the principle that I hold dear...which is gentlemen never 'kiss-and-tell', because most of my potential stories from my 40's would involve one lady or another! Lol.
This decade so far has involved some romance, but essentially I have loved and lost (literally).
The other subject matter which has dominated my 40's has been my adventures in New Zealand...but I think I've exhausted these stories now.
Moving home to a lovely apartment in a peaceful part of town (Chichester) has proved to be the perfect tonic for me at this time of my life.
It resembles a fresh start, so life is indeed very good.
After a couple of minor heartbreaks and setbacks, I've come to the conclusion that it's probably best for me to remain an eligible batchelor, and the fact that for once I've actually got some money in my wallet is a wonderful feeling which allows me to enjoy an even happier lifestyle.
Many thanks to my mates for enriching me with an active social life, and much gratitude is sent to all my friends who I'm fortunate to enjoy some lunchtimes with, where we can share a laugh and a smile...you all contribute in making me a very happy fella!
Also special thanks to three friends who have always been there for me, no matter where they actually live:
Elona, Trace, and The TWL!♥

So at the risk of disappointing you, it's time to bid you all fareful for 2012.
Due to a current heavy workload and a busy schedule over the forthcoming festive season, this will be my last blog until the New Year...but may I wish you all a wonderful Christmas & thank you for all of your continual support.

Peace to you all ♥

Steve M





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Tales From The Downs

After last weeks rather heavy subject matter, I thought I'd lighten the mood with a happy recollection of the Cancer Research UK charity walk undertaken seven months ago.
When three friends and myself succesfully completed the trek of the entire length of The South Downs Way, we agreed to abide to the principle of 'what goes on tour, stays on tour'...but I must confess that a few private stories have since leaked out amongst our closest friends!
Some tales will forever stay with us only, but there are a few instances which can be shared here today, which wouldn't offend any of us, and hopefully will raise a few laughs. Don't worry Curph, Chappers & Oakers...some secrets I'm taking to the grave! Lol.
The other purpose of this blog is to start a campaign for Chappers to pull his finger out and sort out the video footage of our experiences! ~ but more about that later...

I previously gave an account of our trek in the blog entitled, 'Taken To The Limit' in my 'Ramblin' Man!' series, which can be found in the archives on the right hand margin under my complete profile.
That piece was written in the immediate aftermath of the event, when emotions were still running high...and our bodies were still getting over the shock of walking over 100 miles in weather and terrain that had to be experienced to be believed!
However, seven months later and our perspectives have changed a little, as we now mainly remember only the good things about the week, and the reasoning that we did it for a good cause. We all immediately stated that we'd never do something like this again...but that sentiment is slowly softening, so you never know?
At the last check we had raised around £3,500 between the four of us, and my link to my 'Just Giving' sponsorship page is below should anyone like to make a further donation whilst the account remains active.

 http://www.justgiving.com/SteveMuskett27010

I think we all as individuals had our own personal agenda's for participating in this walk, but it wouldn't be right for me to disclose any reasons why for the other lads, apart from the fact that they did it to support me. All I know from my own personal point of view was that I had a justified reason with a certain person in mind, and I hope that I did her proud. On the final day when we hit the promenade in Eastbourne, I purposely held back from the others a little so that I could take it all in...it was a very emotional conclusion at the end of a very long journey, and I can't deny shedding a tear or two.

But rather than dwelling on some of the overwhelming emotions of that incredible week, I'd prefer to regale you with a couple of tales which will hopefully make you laugh, or maybe even beggar to disbelieve?
The two particular stories that I'd like to recall both happened after experiencing really tough days of trekking, and what makes them memorable is the contrast in emotions from recovering from our efforts to enjoying the craik, the banter, and the camaraderie amongst ourselves immediately afterwards.
Well, when I say immediately afterwards the first tale actually carried over to the following morning!
After such a testing Monday walking in continual rain, and over rough terrain, we all collapsed late that night and before we realised it we were back on the trail on Tuesday morning, without having an opportunity to take stock of the previous days events. What joy we had though, as the rain stopped and bright sunshine greeted us for the whole day, which immediately put us all in a good mood.
As we strolled through a field of bright yellow rape seed, I had just taken a photo of Curph (please see attached below) who was first in line, then it was me, Oakers was next, and bringing up the rear was Chappers, when we were suddenly confronted by the most surreal of sights...
Just emerging over a slight rise in the field came a granny on a motorised scooter!
We all stood there in stunned silence and amazement, as first she went past us, followed immediately by another, then a third, and finally a fourth! It was the most surreal moment of the week, and none of us had the inclination to capture this moment on camera...except Chappers!
Now the reason that Chappers was bringing up the rear was because he had his camcorder out in his vain efforts to be the next Martin Scorsese, or was it David Attenborough? Lol.
He had the great idea to keep a video diary of the week, and his narrative may prove to be inspired...but we still don't know as seven months on we're still waiting for the footage to be edited and uploaded for all to see...pull your finger out Chappers! Hence my call for the campaign to lobby for 'The South Downs Way Video Diaries' to be published...maybe you can all join my cause?
Now I think what would work especially well for this incident with the four grannies on their scooters, is to set the scene with the music of 'Ride of the Valkeries' akin to something similar from 'Apocalypse Now', just as they emerge over the horizon...

The second and final tale isn't as surreal, but looking back the memories and visions that we conjure up on reflection does make us all laugh, and if anyone else was to see us at that particular moment, they would probably run for cover!
It relates to a tough Wednesday walk when mercifully the overnight rain had ceased to exist, but in it's place was the most vicious biting and howling wind, which made climbing and descending hills very, very difficult. Midway through the morning I felt my right knee beginning to suffer under the strain, Chappers popped a groin, Oakers had a long-standing problem with one of his knees, and Curph had severely swollen shins and ankles!
So visualise the image if you can, once the day had finished of all four of us spread out in one room watching the football on TV, sharing a few tinnies, whilst at the same time we were all nursing various parts of our anatomy with self-made ice-packs...additionally with Chappers and me wrapped up in fancy dressing gowns kindly donated by our lovely hostess for the night at the B&B we were staying at!
It wasn't a pretty sight, I can assure you of that!
Incredibly the following morning after a hearty breakfast, we all took to the trail completely invigorated and recovered from our assorted ailments and injuries...Oh, the power of an ice-pack on your privates!

"Above all do not lose your desire to walk: every day I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness; I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it..." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Next week: 'Tales From My 40's...So Far!'...

Steve M

A Man Of Contradictions

With today being the unfortunate anniversary of Gary Speed's tragic death (pictured - one year on and we still don't know the real reasons why), the subject of this weeks blog is the inner turmoil and conflict which can trouble every individual...including me!

Gary Speed had a disguished football career as a player for Leeds, Everton, Newcastle, and Bolton, before beginning to find success as a manager with the Welsh national team.
He was a rare breed in the football world...he was a gentleman who was universally appreciated by everyone, and he was well respected as a decent, genuine, family man.
His apparant suicide, (or was it a cry for help?) hit me quite hard at the time, as he was the same age as I had been when I had my moment of weakness. Trawling through all the media coverage on that fateful day last year, brought back many sad emotions of my own personal situation in August 2009, and my sympathy immediately went out to all his family. However, unlike Gary Speed I had no wife or children to leave behind, and that was a main factor in my warped logic at the time...I wasn't leaving anyone behind, so therefore I felt that I wouldn't be missed.

I have previously told the story of my crazy time spent in Edinburgh when I lost the plot and went AWOL for a while, in my blog entitled, 'Time To Bite The Bullet!', which featured in the series, 'A Spiritual Journey To Find A Home'.
- you can check this out if you wish by looking in the previous blogs, archived in the right-hand margin under my complete profile -
Although I gave an account of events in this blog, I didn't really elaborate on how I was feeling at the time, or what drove me to such drastic measures. This I will try to set straight now...

"it's always a struggle to let somebody go,
 it's a natural desire to own your lover, I know,
 and you can screw a man down until he takes to drinking,
 he'll give you all of his money, you still won't know what he's thinking..."

And that's the point, similar to Gary Speed, you just don't know what someone else is thinking.
Inside they may be struggling or wrestling with all sorts of demons, doubts and troubles, or feeling so low, whilst outwardly displaying a positive persona. Also, you just don't know what's going on behind-the-scenes, or behind closed doors in domestic situations, and individuals can secretly be hiding all their emotions and feelings deep within themselves. This can then mean that nobody has a clue about what is really going on in their lives, or what is really going on in their head.

From my own perspective at that time in Edinburgh I was feeling very conflicted and desperately distraught.
I felt totally alone and completely isolated, partly by driving people away and partly because I couldn't open up and express my feelings. I honestly felt that I had nobody left in my life, so if I was to vanish off the face of the earth entirely then nobody would miss me. I felt that I had nobody left in my life who loved me, and I found myself heavily burdened with tremendous guilt, a deep hurt, and an intense pain, all of which were tearing me apart.

I tried to nulify this pain with alcohol and sleeping pills, but this only lulled me into a comatose-like depression, yet somehow (and to this day I still don't know how) I survived and I was spared.
Ever since surviving that sad period of my life three years ago, I've regularly tried to work out why this happened, but I know that I'll probably never find an answer that sits comfortably with me. In the final analysis I realised that I had hit rock-bottom, so at least I then knew that the only way was up. I've also since come to know that I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends and family, as when I was really at my lowest ebb they were there for me unconditionally...and I'll be eternally grateful to them for that.
Whilst I continually strive to find a simplistic way of life, I've come to realise that this isn't always possible, so I've come to accept this as best I can, although therein lies my problem...I am a man of contradictions!

I don't do simple, despite wishing I could.
I do things the hard way, or surround myself with challenging circumstances, or involve myself with people who need me to be strong and supportive for them - it's like I can identify with them, or by helping them I'm actually helping myself...a sort of self-redemption?
My psyche or DNA appears to be made up of the following 12 contradictions:

* I strive for simplicity, yet forever discover only complexity.
* I seek out inner peace, yet only seem to find inner conflict.
* I live life in extremes, either total denial or complete excess.
* I try to be minimalistic with my possessions, yet the clutter in my head is expansive!
* I care greatly about others, but I don't seem to care about myself to the same degree.
* I am a loner, yet I crave the company of that special person in my life.
* I like stability in my life, yet continually move around location like a gypsy.
* I want to be loved, yet I can be fearful if someone genuinely shows it to me.
* I am never comfortable with organised religion, yet I have a blind faith in human kindness.
* I try to live by a certain spiritual moral code, yet I'm no saint.
* I try to live in the present and look to the future, yet my heart can still ache for the past.
* I am not insecure, yet I am quite vulnerable.

So what, if anything, can I conclude from all of these contradictions...and please don't say I'm messed up in the head! Lol.
Maybe, because I am on my own I have too much time on my hands to think, and to be self-critical. And if I had someone in my life permanently, all my focus and attention would be on her instead?
I know that I was extremely sad on hearing that my ex-girlfriend had recently passed away, but I also know that she wouldn't want me to wallow around in self-pity - she would want me to go out and live my life as happily as possible, and she made me promise her that I would do just that.
In her memory I must strive to respect her wishes, which was always to move on and not dwell on the past.
This was brought home to me at the weekend, when I had the pleasure to share a few priceless hours over a coffee, chatting to a lovely lady making me realise that the future can still be bright...?
We made each other laugh and smile, as we recalled the past, spoke of the current, and dreamed of the future. She brought some much needed sunshine into my life, despite the continual rain which was outside.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...♥

Next week...'Tales From The Downs'.

Steve M

Tales From The Depot

"THE TRUTH WILL OUT"...eventually!

There are two things that I learnt from my great mate Crewy, when I worked for the logistics company, TNT, and these same two things have stood me in good stead for all aspects of life whenever I've been confronted with trouble, or if I've ever been wrongly accused of something, or if certain people cause me grief in their vain attempts to cover their own backsides at my expense:

1. If you always tell the truth, then although they may not like what they hear, they can't have a go at you, and...
2. They are going to need you for a favour, long before you need them for one!

Never were these sentiments more relevant than when I worked the nightshift in a satellite branch of the main Bristol TNT depot between 2004 and 2008, where I was employed in a two-man team for an independent contract, working under a supervisor called 'Clarence' (a nickname given by Crewy ~ private joke). As the contract grew so did the workload, yet I found myself regularly doing the lion shares of the work as Clarence began going AWOL for periods at a time, which was apparently undetected by the 'powers-that-be'...or so I thought!

It turns out that my supervisor's absense was taken up by 'entertaining' his 'bit-on-the-side' on company time in the middle of the night, despite always portraying the image of being a happily married man to all and sundry. This manifested itself in such forms as disappearing for an hour after our last delivery, or by arriving late for the shift, or by leaving early at the end of the shift for me to finish up on my own.
One Wednesday night when I arrived at the start of my shift, I found him on site already, along with his 'girlfriend', and I knew then that if this was going to become a regular occurence, then at sometime soon he was going to get caught out. But for the time being I just kept my head down, ignored it all and just got on with my work. The real problems began though with his reported timekeeping. Due to the increase in workload we were allowed overtime which was fine for me as I was genuinely working the hours I claimed. Unfortunately, Clarence decided to duplicate my hours on his timesheets despite the fact that he wasn't actually working them! For some reason it became my responsibility to hand in our timesheets on a weekly basis at the main depot, and on one such day whilst I was submitting them I was suddenly summoned to the office of the 'Big Boss'. He asked me if I wanted to share anything with him, which I politely declined, although I sensed that he was on to something.

This went on for a few months, until the Big Boss pulled me in again and this time he laid his cards on the table. He knew Clarence was falsely claiming overtime, as well as other possible misdemeanours, and unless I came clean then he made it quite clear that my job was on the line too.
Now the last thing I wanted to do was 'grass' my supervisor up, so the only thing I said was that it may prove worthwhile to turn up at the satellite depot early on a Wednesday night before the shift was supposed to start, although I didn't elaborate why.
Now that you have the back-story, this is where my tale really begins...

After this meeting with the Big Boss, I decided to take a few nights off so that I was out of the firing line, and away from any potential troubles or consequences. On the Thursday morning I woke up around 6am to find I had a missed call from my mate, Crewy. I called him straight back and he was laughing his socks off wanting to know what was going on with regards to my supervisor. Obviously I had no idea, but I was soon to find out! I took it upon myself to pop into the depot as it was only a ten minute walk away, and when I arrived I found the Big Boss & his assistant finishing off the days work with Clarence nowhere to be found. I helped the Big Boss out for an hour or so, and then he led me into a private office to give me a full account of what had transpired...I guess you could say a 'blow-by-blow' account of the nights events! Lol.
Apparantly, the Big Boss and his assistant had arrived unannounced early the night before onsite at the depot, to find Clarence with his 'girlfriend' in what I suppose you could say was an uncompromising position! After hastily zipping himself up, Clarence was summoned in the office where he was given his cards! This instant dismissal was later down-graded to a forced resignation, but the result was the same...he received his marching orders and I received his old job!
My mate Crewy stepped in to help me out on a permanent basis, and for a while it was bliss!
A new satellite depot manager was installed, and she proved a sight for sore eyes every morning, as well earning my eternal gratitude, as she gave me some additional hours working in the office after my nightshift every morning, which allowed me to save like mad for my New Zealand dream to become to reality, as well as being able to finally meet my great kiwi friend in person, The TWL...thanks as always Lucy, for making this all possible!

After about a year though, our peace was spoiled by the addition of another contract under our roof, which caused all sorts of logistical and operational problems, favouritism and preferential treatment towards this other contract at our expense and hardship, and no end of grief for Crewy and me! But sticking to his rules and principles previously outlined, we survived despite countless accusations, rumours and attempts to land us both in trouble. We always stuck to our guns, we always stuck together, and we always told the truth, which caused quite a few red faces from some of our accusers...not that they ever apologised for wrongly dropping us in it in the first place! And sure enough, after receiving said grief, the very same people then had the gall to turn round and ask us for continual favours because they knew that we were the most reliable workers to fulfill any request! You're so tempted to tell them where to go, but in the end you keep your own council, bite your tongue and try to keep your head down as best you can.
But like I say...'they're gonna need you, long before you need 'em!'

Incidentally, the photo attached with this blog shows my mate Crewy, but I must stress that although the unsuspecting victim of his antics shows an uncanny resemblance...it isn't me!

And finally..
I haven't disclosed Clarence's real name as I felt I should be respectful in trying to preserve a certain sense of dignity, as there is a rather sad footnote to this tale...
Although Clarence soon found alternative employment after this incident, he did lose his marriage and his home, and then about a year later I was informed that he tragically died of a brain tumour.
Not a day goes by that I don't feel a sense a guilt, as possibly my part in his dismissal may have led to the stress which caused this tumour...I know it sounds crazy, but that's just the way I feel and the way that I am.
I guess I just can't help caring too much about other people, even if they've previously tried to shaft me!!!

Next weeks blog will be a slight departure from the usual theme...all will be revealed in a very personal posting next Tuesday, called 'A Man Of Contradictions'.

Steve M

Tales From The Open Road

Four years ago this month I experienced for the first time the joys of New Zealand, but it was the following March that I really lived the dream as I hit the open road...completely on my own, just me and my trusted campervan! With the exception of the first and last day when I caught up with my great kiwi pal, Ange, aka The TWL (tiny wee lady!), in Christchurch, I was entirely alone as I navigated myself around the whole of the South Island, mainly hogging the coastline in a clockwise direction.

"Drive the road to your surrender..."

I had a romantic notion of a road trip adventure akin to something like a Jack Kerouac 'beatnik' novel, cruising the highways across the country in style, taking on hitchhikers, getting into scrapes, swooning over beautiful women on my travels...and just generally having a blast whilst enjoying my freedom!
Well, I did cruise the highways in style; suprisingly I didn't witness any hitchhikers; a few parking nightmares aside, I didn't really get into any scrapes; and as for the swooning...well gentlemen never 'kiss-and-tell', or give too many secrets away! Lol.

I took in some wonderful cities, townships and places such as, Te Anau, Queenstown, Wanaka, Nelson, The Abel Tasman National Park and The Golden Bay.
The space afforded to me on the open roads, and the peace and tranquility I discovered will stay with me forever, as the whole month was a life changing experience to a certain extent, whilst the feeling of escapism was enlightening. Driving the highways of NZ, as well as the twisty, hairpin bends clutching the sides of mountains, with the spectacular scenery of some of the most beautiful lakes in the world, was something that I just can't put into words...it's really one of those things that you have to experience for yourself, words or pictures can never describe it, or do it justice.

"Heading for the open road, goodbye to all that..."

I witnessed some breathtaking views including the biggest rainbow that I had ever seen on the way up the west coast from Franz Josef to Greymouth...it was so illuminating that I nearly crashed my van!
Then then was the drive along Highway 6 from Te Anau to Queenstown alongside Lake Wakatipu (please see footnote at end of blog), taking in the range of spectacular mountains, crowned by the magnificent Coronet Peak, where I achieved another one of my ambitions by freefalling from 15,000 ft in a tandem skydive.
Just 100 km north-east of Queenstown lies the wonderful township of Wanaka. After the long drive I stayed there for a few days and really chilled out! I made my second home a local cafe, and I regularly dined out on obscure toasted sandwiches and coffee to my hearts content.
The only exercise I took whilst relaxing in this lovely place was a trek up the nearby Mount Iron, which overlooks the twin lakes of Wanaka and Hawea with stunning pararamic views.

Looking back on it, I find it hard to recall specific incidents as the whole experience will live with me forever. Just being able to get up in the morning without a care in the world, and then set off on a journey without neccesarily any destination in mind is a wonderful luxury to enjoy. And being able to breakaway from the hustle and bustle of busy city life in the UK, and be transformed to such a beautiful place on the other side of the world does your heart and soul good...you've just got to try it at least once in your life!
And don't let age put you off, as you're never too old to travel...I didn't realise my life's dream until I was in my forties, so if I can do it then anyone can!!!

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer"

Footnote: Lake Wakatipu is unique in that it actually appears to have a tide just like the sea or ocean.
Maori legend has it that this is due to the beating heart of a buried god beneath...spiritual stuff indeed!
In fact I'd like to put it on record that when I pass on from this world, if I could have one final wish I would like my ashes to be scattered over this lake off the jetty at Queenstown...as this is undoubtably my spiritual home where my heart belongs ♥

Next week...'Tales From The Depot'.

Steve M

Tales From The Bottle

After a two week break catching up on some much needed rest, and coming to terms with the sad news that my ex-girlfriend finally lost her brave fight with cancer, I had intended to return with a witty and humourous blog regaling tall tales from drunken antics, and fun nights out.
Unfortunately, during this period I became ill with the same chest pains that I experienced a year ago, and I found that this gave me a totally different perspective on what I wanted to write about, and I swear the pain that I was feeling was actually caused by my heart breaking on hearing the sad news about my ex.
The doctors prescribed the medication to repair the damage caused to the lining of my internal chest walls, my stomach, and my oesophagus, and I'm pleased to say that the meds are slowly kicking-in. This has meant though that booze is off the agenda for the forseeable future, and my diet has been greatly altered.
I had prepared an initial draft of this blog containing drunken stories, but when I read it back I didn't feel a sense of fun or humour, but more a feeling of embarrassment and shame.
After all, there isn't anything particularly funny about waking up after the night before with bloodied kness and holes in your trousers, and coming to the conclusion that you must've crawled home...is there?
Or, of being so drunk and disorderly after a demon cocktail of pills and booze, that you collapse in the street and end up in the local infirmary on suicide watch! Not very clever, is it?

"The wrong side of a lifetime's wishing thinking drove me here to pills and ale,
 come and listen, come and listen to my tale..."

Fortunately these two incidents are extreme examples, but they did make me think and take stock of my life. I'm 45 now, and I can no longer keep up with the kids, so I guess it's time to accept this fact and act my age. I like to think with the exception of these two incidents, that I am generally a very happy drunk when I've been out on the gigglejuice (as my great kiwi pal, The TWL fondly calls it!), but I do often feel very nostalgic about past romances, and it's quite common for me to send a soppy text message or facebook messages when I am in this state. So hopefully now that these boozy nights are a thing of the past, then the unfortunate recipients of said messages need worry no more? My sincerest apologies to anyone who has ever been contacted in these circumstances.

One funny little incident which I'm happy to recall however, as it shows that I wasn't as drunk as first envisaged, happened just over a year ago. I was out with friends and colleagues straight from work on a Friday night, and had lasted the pace right upto midnight (not bad for an old fella like me!), when I suddenly became aware that it was definitely time to call it a night!
Why, you may well ask?
Well, I was convinced that I must've been so drunk, because when I had been admiring a lovely lady across the bar I realised that I could see two of her!!!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing...about a week later I discovered that this lovely lady was actually out on the town with her identical twin sister!!!
Maybe had I been a little more observant I would have noticed, and had the courage to go to talk to them...'erm, I mean talk to her!

I'm currently back on the coffee, smoothie, oats and porridge diet, due to my ill health, and alcohol is off limits for the time being, so at least I should be able to sustain a healthier living lifestyle. In time I will no doubt enjoy the odd beer or shot of Jack, but these occassions will be few and far between.
This lifestyle change may result in a rather reclusive and hermit-like existence for a while, but with all that's happened recently, this suits me just fine.
I intend to keep myself-to-myself, with the exception of these weekly blogs...next up is 'Tales From The Open Road'.
Please don't worry if I appear a little less communicative...it's just my way of dealing with things.

Until next week, be safe & take care.

Steve M

A Hopeless Romantic

The title says it all I guess...I am just an old, sentimental, hopeless romantic.
But before I really get into the subject, I would like to just get one thing out in the open as it is causing me a little bit of concern, and I would welcome any feedback from my readers if you feel it's warranted..?
I made the decision to return to writing my blogs as I was told by some that they were being missed, and also because I find them quite theraputic in getting some of my thoughts out of my system. However, some people apparantly feel that I may be being a little too personal for my own good, and that I'm leaving myself open to pity or ridicule ~ to those people I apologise if this is how they feel, but I sincerely hope that they are in the minority and that the majority of you appreciate my writings as just the rambling thoughts of a soppy old fool. I would never disclose any information which would harm or hurt anyone close to me, I can assure you all of that! Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'll crack on...

I suppose I've lived my life in reverse compared to most other people. I was settled down at 20, married in all but name, with a mortgage, and living life with a rather naive view that everything was always fine and dandy ~ a view which I ultimately realised wasn't true at all, as life isn't anything like that in reality...is it?
Once I hit 30 I became single, and it was only then that I began to live the life that maybe I should have lived earlier, rather than the other way around. Between then and now, there has been plenty of love, fun and romance...but unfortunately I've not been able to walk off into the sunset blissfully in love.

I'm not complaining though.
I have been very lucky to have known some wonderful ladies; experienced some unbelievable times; and shared some very special and precious moments with some equally special and precious women. Modesty and humility prevents me from regaling all of the details, plus the fact that I always adhere to the principle that 'gentlemen don't kiss and tell', along with the reasoning that I would always wish to protect the identity of these special ladies. But needless-to-say I've had my moments...
I've learnt that it's important to look after the fairer sex; to show them respect; to pamper them and treat them right...and believe me if you do this then the rewards are definitely worth it when these sentiments are reciprocated. I would think nothing of bringing my lady a cuppa in bed every morning; of cooking her a meal or running her a bath after she's endured a tough day at work; or for ultimate relaxation, I'd always offer a full body massage by candle-light...who said romance was dead!

I've travelled all over the country to find true love, and enjoyed my fair share of weekends away in hotels, holiday romances, as well as of course what I thought at the time was the 'real thing', but I'm not one to boast of any of my (s)exploits ~ I've even ventured to the other side of the world to New Zealand in my persuit of happiness...but that's another story for a future blog!
I once purposedly changed my job and moved 70 miles from Bournemouth to Bath, to be near a lady I was seeing at the time who had moved away, only for the relationship to ultimately fail...but at least I gave it a go, rather than staying put and wondering what if? Within a few years I had met someone else who completely turned my life upside down. As usual though, the timing wasn't ideal for either of us, so our relationship only lasted one memorable summer. She lived with me for a few months, but in truth I think our main home that summer was the pub...which probably explains a lot about the crazy time we shared together!

Seeing as the whole essence of my blog is to regale tales, it would be remiss of me not to tell a couple of stories which often raise a smile and always warms the heart. Although a practitioner in not breaking any confidences, I do believe that I'm being quite discreet when I tell you about two very happy nights, one
from way back in the day, and the other from a few years ago...

The first story is more of an amusing one...
I received a phone call around midnight from a lady that I had just started seeing, who asked me to call round. Bearing in mind I had no car at the time, and public transport has stopped for the night, the only remaining option was getting a taxi for the ten mile journey. Imagine my suprise on my arrival at her house when I found a note attached to her front door saying something along the lines of:
"I've just seen the cab pull up, so I've left the side door unlocked.
 I've left some cash on the bedside table to cover the cab fare.
 I'm heading to the shower ~ come on in and join me!"
What a girl she was...sweet, kind, and beautiful, with lovely, soft olive skin; deep dark eyes, the kind of eyes that you get lost in when you gazed into them. I used to watch her breathing in her sleep sometimes, as I was totally in awe of her beauty...God knows what she saw in an ugly, bald fella like me? Must've been my massage skills? Lol.

"...I left a note each day under your pillow
 that I wrote in invisible ink
 all you have to do is breathe on them
 and you might read them written there in pink
 you might find out what's inside me,
 maybe it's something that might amuse,
 as you watch the words appearing,
 the fear will go,
 and everything will flow..."

Regretably though, she was just another relationship which didn't stand the test of time. The lady in question was just going through a divorce, and was feeling quite lost, lonely, and with low self-esteem. Being with me seemed to revive her fortunes and perk her up a little, as I tried my best to pamper her and shower her with attention, care, love and affection...you know, some proper TLC. Unfortunately after a period of time she began to feel liberated, but she also felt that she needed to go off and find herself (?)
This is why I often retain friendships with some of my past relationships, as the parting of our ways is usually quite amicable and friendly...although it's tough for me at the time. At least I have the knowledge that I have helped them in some way, and I guess I may have restored their faith in human kindness, in allowing them to realise that not all men are a total waste of space!

I've also conducted long-distance relationships which are never easy. The travelling can get you down (especially the return journey), and although absense definitely makes the heart grow fonder, there is also an element of 'what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve', which can creep into your psyche. The worst aspect of these relationships is having too much time alone to second-think what the other person may be doing. I found what helped was writing my thoughts down on paper and sending them to my sweetheart in the post. Despite the modern technological age, I've always preferred to write a personal letter in my own handwriting...something which I know has been appreciated by some of the women concerned.

And this links in neatly with the second story...
I like to think that whereas the previous tale was amusing, this one shows love in a truer light, all be in a rather bittersweet kind of way. This story concerns the most recent relationship that I've been involved in, which didn't last as long as we'd both hoped due to tragic circumstances previously shared in older blogs which some of you are already familar with. Rather than focus on the tragedy, I would prefer to recall the happy night when we finally got together.
Events had conspired against us in allowing us to make a really good go of things, and numerous obstacles were put in our way, but eventually we found a way to conduct a long distance relationship. The night we finally got to spend together for the very first time will stay with me forever.
During the two hour train journey to where she lived, I was a complete bag of nerves as I didn't really know what to expect, but as soon as I arrived at her house all the worry instantly vanished. She greeted me at her door, and I received the biggest and longest hug that I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. She just wouldn't let me go, as she held me so close for what seemed like for ages. When she let me go so that I could catch my breath, I saw she had tears running down her pretty face, and she said that she'd never been so happy as she gave me a sweet kiss. We then shared a beautifully tender night together, which will live on in the memory forever...now that's how I will always remember her, and may she always rest in peace ♥

Although I have had my heart broken countless times before, I am not sad, bitter or cynical. I believe my time will come one day, probably when I'm least expecting it. I also believe that I am a good man, with a big heart and a kind soul, who possesses a generous and caring nature...it's just that I haven't met that special lady to share with it yet.
I thought previously that I had, and there are a couple of ladies who will always own a piece of my heart.
A lot of the time the romance has failed due to specific circumstances, or unfortunate tragic reasons, or as I previously said, bad timing. But rather than being all doom and gloom, I'd much rather remember the happy times we shared together.
I do tend to fall in love very easily, but falling out of love can take me forever. I've also changed my perspective and outlook to some extent as I'm not getting any younger! As I rapidly approach my 45th birthday next week, it's natural that I should find comfort in the company of ladies nearer my own age, rather than running around after some young girl in a skirt with whom I'd probably have very little in common. And believe me, there are some fine looking ladies in thier thirties & forties out there!

"...all the pretty young things seem suddenly boring,
 when I look into her eyes, all the world is behind..."

As you get older, you begin to see inside a person and see that beauty can take many different forms.
I believe that if you love the woman, then you love everything about that woman. If she has children from a previous relationship for instance, then you must understand that her children are part of her...so embrace them and love them all unconditionally.
In addition, as you get older things can get complicated with regards to forging new relationships, due to personal history and individual experiences which can affect your feelings, and even sometimes it can question your trust in someone else. Despite these possible misgivings I firmly believe that love can conquer all, but time will tell I guess..?

I may have been unlucky in love to a certain extent so far in my life, but I have also been enriched by some magical moments shared with some beautiful women. I do get quite lonely sometimes, and would dearly love to hold someone special close at night once again...but like I say, I'm just a hopeless romantic who wears my heart on my sleeve, who has plenty of love to give...just nobody to give it to!

Steve M

PS ~ Due to my forthcoming two week break where I intend to become a recluse & shut myself away for a while, my next blog will be posted on Tuesday November 6th.

Tall Tales & Short Stories

Welcome to a brief introduction to my brand new blog entitled, 'Tall Tales & Short Stories'.

I had decided to take a complete break from writing of any kind, but I must admit that I was beginning to miss it. This was further compounded when I recently attended a friend's house-warming party, and some of the guests expressed their disappointment that I had stopped writing my blogs.

I was a little wary of returning to it, as I didn't want to rehash any old stuff, and I wanted to do something more original, but I was convinced by one mate that there was a 'raconteur' within me somewhere, so I should concentrate on regaling some of my tales, and stories from my past.
I will be 45 in a few weeks time (omg) so you could say that I've got quite a lot of experience to draw material from (lol). So these stories will recall some of the jobs I've had; some of the places I've lived; some of the loves and romances I've encountered (don't worry, a true gentlemen doesn't kiss & tell all); some of my sporting antics; some of my travelling adventures; basically, anything that I've done which brings about some fun or humour...even if it's at my own expense!

The first such blog will recall some of the romantic situations which I've either been lucky enough to find myself in, or unfortunate enough to be lumbered with (I'll let you decide) ~ 'A Hopeless Romantic' will be posted next Tuesday October 16th.
I will then attempt to post future blogs on a Tuesday on a regular weekly basis, although I am on holiday for a couple of weeks in late October/early November, so after next weeks posting you may have to wait for a little while until the following installment ~ sorry!

"I'll be in The Fountain in a couple of weeks,
 With a pint on the table and yarns by the yard,
 A story to tell and a story to save..."

Finally, a big thank you to two special friends who remain a continual source of personal inspiration, both in regards to their support of my writing, and also due to their generous offer to help me out regarding a personal matter...Elona & Ange in NZ: I value your love & friendship far beyond words ~ thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

Until next time, be safe, have fun & take care.

Steve M